Saturday, July 30, 2005

in the midst of all this, an ambiguity in the ocean of ambiguities

what happens when there are unexpected voids in your schedule for the day? update blog lor. for a moment, I thought I was going to abandon this bloggy altogether but hah, i have about 20 mins for it now. well, though this week started rotten with the screwed up timetable as a welcome-back-to-school gift from NIE, i am pleased that today, we managed somehow, to grab for ourselves a 3day week. yeah!
(i am so not happy in NIE........sigh.......)
was on the bus back jus and saw some JJC girls boarding, and momentarily, it flashed back the time when i was still a JC girl, leading a normal life, having a normal boyfriend, and in the race of academic pursuits. today, i am just too different, so different that i even find it hard to put these two girls to convince myself they are the same. i am not sure if i am enjoying this change in me but at least i know i have been honest at every stage of my growth as a young woman. these processes have been real. i am working my life out slowly, accepting that in this journey, hopes can be dashed, dreams can go aground. but i am ready for anything to be punched at me, even right into my nose.
been thinking much about some friendships of late...
soemtimes, i don't know if i have asked for it, or at the end of the day, it is just a matter of unlevelled expectations for each other. i am too weathered to try to trash things out. i have chosen to just conceal and bury these thoughts daily, till they form huge mounds in the underneath of my heart. i am not sure how much more i can handle...but i am going strong.

all we like sheep have gone astray,

how many stars are there stiched in the whole wide sky, i wonder.

Friday, July 29, 2005

..................... Posted by Picasa

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

i picked up an old poem

written in 2004, by us, then, we called ourselves "lemon and egg"

Moist geometry unfurls.
Dawn flushes the birds from their silence
— a birth every morning

with disappearing mist —and there,
under a shaggy hem
of no reminder of the breaking

the halving of the sense at reason’s falling.
the heart’s regions emptied out.
His rough palm grips the bruised

root of a rolled tobacco
releasing scent of a more

legendary bloom. His pelt
glistens, her words

trapped moths in his uncomprehending ears.
Wings of flowers fall
He sits breathing breathing.

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

YoU ARe coRDiallY InVitED to THe SHOw!

i don't care about you

so, the supposedly first day of school turned out to be a trashy one. 14 of us spent the entire half of the day trolling in vain the land of NIE, awaiting our mysterious lecturers to arrive at the destined rooms. first, it was sabapathy who didn't turn up, fine. we thought there might be hope for the next lesson, nah. we didn't get to see april too, because she might be with may, damn. so we spent the entire half of today admiring each others' distraught, pissed- off and impatient sour faces, and hasan's "where is candy" face and BL's forever act-chio face-how pretentious! and of course, the whole revelation of a screwed-up timetable that is only confirmed this morning, how wonderful, well-done NIE! by then, it was already 4pm, and how empty i felt! to return home only with the knowledge that nobody cares about us. we can be shelved aside for a semester and nobody cares at all. i don't know if this flaming anger is roused from a little of inferiority because we are art teachers, and therefore treated like this; or we are simply just irritated, since this is not the first time and my, we are already in our second year. BL, you know what, you don't have to apologise for anything, cos the hurt has already been made. and you don't have to say that there are worse cases than us, cos that doesn't help.

afterall, it is perhaps, with all these glitches and annoyances of life, that you learn and search for that very purpose of your life, though you first have to cope with remembering your colleagues' names all over again.

Monday, July 25, 2005

People Need The Lord

Every day they pass me by
I can see it in their eyes
Empty people filled with care
Headed who knows where

On they go through private pain
Living fear to fear
Laughter hides their silent cries
Only Jesus hears

People need the Lord
People need the Lord
At the end of broken dreams
He’s the open door

People need the Lord
People need the Lord
When will we realise
People need the Lord

We are called to take His light
To a world where wrong seems right
What could be too great a cost
For sharing life to one who’s lost
Through His love our hearts can feel
All the grief they bear
They must hear the words of Life
Only we can share

a meaningful song for everyone i love

share in God's pain, won't you?

fallen ill... restore my health, o Lord..

just want to take note of today.. qingwen, my buddy of ten years re-dedicated his life to Christ today, praise God!

Today, God amazed me once again with his reality, that is above all powers and principalities. and i know i am blessed beyond all telling with a God like this. i resolute to continue sharing in God's pain for His people and share even his broken heart in this great battle as His soldier.

sidethoughts.. own problems often diminish into nothingness when i meet people with even bigger and magnified problems...
and i become so insignificant on the face of this earth all too sudden.

..when i realise that him and I are as different as chalk and is at times like this that i started to pick up Romeo and Juliet to read search for a love that defys death, albeit fictitious. and the self-professed adage rings again in my head,"if you love somebody and can't be with him, you got to freeze that love in your heart".

Sunday, July 24, 2005

adorn her with priceless jewels on her diadem

she has fallen into the yoke of bondage
became a wanderer in woe
a dweller in tents of Kedar
precious in his sight
written on his hands
and united with his person

filled all the affectionate offices of her Husband
who makes rich provision for her wants
pays all her debts
allows her to assume his name
and to share in all his wealth

No severing of the conjugal tie between them
this divine marriage
celebrate their joyous nuptials in wedlock

a love like that of Romeo and Juliet
never so pure and fervent
but a faint picture of the flame which burns in his heart
Passing all human union
became one flesh with her

Saturday, July 23, 2005

use this if i leave

smoking his victory cigar

leaving that well of fear and trepidation
he found rest on his only armchair
no more dwelling in his winter of discontent
and his mud of frustrating tears
leaving that sea of circumstances
that ebbs out impossible tasks to undertake
no more trembling in swells
and his creased face of dust
he found rest on his only armchair
smoking his victory cigar

Friday, July 22, 2005


oh my, already had two gastric pain seizures this week..
and that kind of cringing pain really makes me feel like dying anytime..
i better eat more regularly..and stop being such a workaholic..
it is true that i am finding much security in my work and precisely because i am so insecure within..
sigh..i am vexed...

the tip of the iceberg within has started to melt just amazes me how fast God is healing this cold heart.. as much as it doesn't take long to freeze it, it doesn't take long to melt and soften its grounds too..

have i ever mentioned how burdened i am towards my friends and close kins who have not yet a faith in their lives? as this loathsome burden weighs upon the heart daily, i am comforted that it is slowly lightening. i am so thrilled and excited to see what He is going to do next. The inextricable twinge of pain is always there when i hear of how very near my friends are towards knowing God in their lives. some have visited churches, some are surrounded by best friends who are Christians, some are even born in Christian families yet backslided, some have family members whose lives are transformed when they found religion, some have desperate praying parents, and finally, some even went through bible lessons when young. is it so difficult to be convinced that we have a God right above us? how much does it take to just believe? would you rather believe in a lie,live in denial than having the revelation of truth? what are the concerns here? i have so many questions that just fall off my mind unanswered and eventually shattered..i cannot fathom baffles me to know that even when the gates of heaven are swung open before their eyes, even when His arms are flung towards them in unconditional love, even when.....they still need that very concrete reason, explanation, fibre of logic to believe and accept him..why? i have never been through all the above, yet i know for sure, He loves me, and i am born in Him. i don't lead a life trying to convert people by my own means. God has not capacitated me to do so.. but He has beseeched me a heavenly vintage that through my life that has Him, people will come to know Him. This is the costly belief i hold on to dearly. i will continue to live with His hope.

what's on

before papers are reduced to ashes and me turned into vapor, I roused myself up, after kicking my heels against the rung of the chair this morning, and decided to take notes of these from the morning papers:

22nd July 2005- National Library opens on this auspicious day, while NLB chief executive N. Varaprasad is ironing out the last kinks before it welcomes the public tomorrow..
"At 58000 sq m, the new National Library, which cost a cool $203 million in all,is five times larger than the original building at Stamford Road. It consists of two 16-storey blocks linked by covered walkways, and looks K-shaped from an overhead plane."
we wonder if the shelves are filled humbly with copies of the new Harry Potter Book release..

21st July 2005 - read Life! today and check out Clara Chow's write on Lim Tzay Chuen's "A Work" at Earl Lu Gallery. "The concept is so passe", she says..I like how she has written on his work...the ostensibly nothing, more of nothing, feeling of nothing, forgetting nothing.

then, it only took a quarter of a second to fill my lungs with air again..

Wednesday, July 20, 2005


"A bruised reed shall he not break, and smoking flax shall he not quench." -- Matthew 12:20

I have been scared, but I do not know what this fear is. This morning, this verse struck me as I was spending time with Him. I decided that nothing except being with Him will get my life back again. It has been cold, so cold that it freezes the details of my heart. I can't write poetry anymore. I can't write these days because I am lost and empty within. Agnes gave me a handmade book yesterday, a book that is meant for my writings, but I won't use it now. I can't pen things down like before. I hope this struggle will vanish soon, I am not alright.

Going back to the verse, so what is it about the bruised reed or the smoking flax that intrigues me? A reed that snaps easily; let the foot of man brush against it, and it is bruised and broken; every wind that flits across the river moves it to and fro. We can conceive of nothing more frail or brittle, or whose existence is more in jeopardy, than a bruised reed. And a smoking flax, an infant's breath might blow it out; nothing has a more precarious existence than its flame. Yet Jesus says of these weaklings-- "The smoking flax I will not quench; thebruised reed I will not break." Herein is His love and lovingkindness which opens to us the compassion of Jesus-so tender and considerate. We may be weak but we have everlasting victory in Him. Whenever we boast of our weaknesses, we boast of His greatness, thus we need never to shrink back from his touch. As our troubles enrich us with a wealth of His knowledge, our trials are also the cleft of the rock that Jehovah has set us. Bruised reeds shall have no blows from him,and the smoking flax no damping frowns.

At this time, I am both the bruised reed and the smoking flax,but I believe I will be delivered from this soon.

Monday, July 18, 2005

God loves my family, and i love you all

Sunday, July 17, 2005

testing limits, everyone needs to be loved

UNA VOCE 05-24HR SOUND ART FESTIVAL-has finally ended after the long hours of being awake(i only napped for two hours!). i have discovered a new friend- miss redbull. really keeps me awake and hyper! never really indulged myself in this before! thanks to the redbull girls and their complimentary drinks, they've got a sparkling new volkswagen man. As the 'doorbitch', i didnt get to be in the theatre for many of the artists' works, but was pleased to at least, have caught the last few like george chua's, guang feng's and rizman & veejay singh's, on sat. And i am so thankful i didnt drink for the whole of last night except for a initial few sips at the talk ( singapore biennale talk by curatorial team at timbre cafe) before the fest commences. My gang-ezzam, suhirman and angela were there, the usual familiar people, and of course, many not-so-frequent familiar faces like paul lincoln, annabelle, francis ng, wee lit, just to name a few. i have thoughts about the biennale, but will keep it to myself for now. and so, audience slowly streamed in from 8pm onwards for the fest and soon came my friends-lina, jeremy, julie, marienne, aidah, dan, karen, jason..and so on. it seems that many preferred to step out of the theatre for a smoke and chat with the 'doorbitches' (warren and i) as the sound in the theatre is too jarring, and temperature too cold. nonetheless, as the audience stroll in and out of the theatre, i was desperate to keep awake. as the night dwells on, the floor soon made way for the artists and crew, we started going into the theatre to dance to our vengeance since most of the audience has left. (guang feng, warren, rizman, dan, me, ian were the few dancing, but rizman stole the show cos he brought in a pink umbrella, not fair!), and so there was this ticklish episode of this guy who demanded a full refund because kai sniggered at him, yazai challenging zai and the other guys to down the Jack Daniels, yazai getting lightly 'slapped' before he left.. and sitting comfortably at the reception, trying to look fresh and awake, i realise that towards the morning, the real show was taking place at the front-of-room, instead of in the theatre.
memory abit blurry now, cos by then , i was too tired to be conscious. all i can recall is, i was the only pathetic girl around(besides Julie-Zul's gf), and the guys who stayed to bunk over at substation were rizman, warren, dan, ir.uan, and ian. They were 'too nice to be true' for the entire time. and so apart from it being a 'historical moment of a lifetime' that we spent with one another for 24 hours, i have also engaged myself in a tongue-lashing, attitude exchanging, star sign clashing, personality repelling, anti-world-peace 24hr with mr abdul manic.
the second day-sat, was more still, we eventually sold only 53 tix and audience was much lesser on sat. and so, a lady fainted while being interviewed by the ever-enthusiastic SAE students, and well, the hiccup opened the fest to a closure, with rizman's performance with veejay singh =)
on hindsight, to employ a word to describe this fest, i will use 'testing'. this fest is a testing ground. and hopefully, will set foundation for many other local sound art events in the near days. but for my first time being involved in events like this, this fest is a reasonable enough eyeopener for me. and definitely, keeping awake for so many hours has also put my physical endurance limits to test.
it has been a memorable time spent at the fest though it got me seriously worn out now.
if my 23 years of life is a strawberry cake, the innane, playful nature of the strawberry toppings sometimes take attention over the many many deep, intense layers of thoughts beneath.

Abdul Manic aka Mohammed Manic
Credentials: Bachelor of Crapology
Distinctive features: a thick neck of crabs and stuffed brain of peas

oh, thats the pink lady.

150705 underground massaging session in the wee hours of the night

Friday, July 15, 2005

my room, my studio, my space

after a tiresome day out of the house, i always find it of most comfort to return to my space, the quietest place of all, and one i call "my own". when i think and look at it, i am proud that at this age, i have built everything in here from the naked scratch. from the handpainted door to the built-in cupboard, the computer and its gadgets, the workdesk on the left, the dressup corner, the jewelry workbench and the holy bed at the right, and to mention the many paintings on the two walls encaving the space, as well as the art materials under and behind the bedhead to the curtained windows at the far end, all is my labor. when was the last time i took money from mummy and daddy to build something in here? indeed, a large portion of my money has been given to this prizes, my awards, my tuition jobs, my freelances, my part-time careers, my salary, a bag of time from my you know how much i love you, my space...

Thursday, July 14, 2005

when all things rest, what life takes on

life becomes a cleaning business
when all irks and smudges
life becomes a broken hearted lady
when flowers wither and die
life becomes a sensational pain
when needles are like scews
life becomes a ficticious novel
when you stalk the globe
life becomes a fragment of a memory
when you don't stop looking back
life becomes a ring of smoke
when you narrow no pettiness
life becomes a blessing
when rivers don't run dry
life becomes couth darkness
when shadows disappear
life becomes a brief whisper
when silence cowers
life becomes an intriguing humor
when mystery writers reign
life becomes a full circle
when other symbols lose
life becomes a mouldy bread
when you fail to keep track
life becomes a manic frenzy
when control dissipates sanity
life becomes a hangover
when myophic visions happen
life becomes a living organism
when they worship Scientology
life becomes a stranger
when no one answers your call
life becomes a tiresome journey
when distances drift apart
life becomes a toothachy dessert
when chocolate factories multiply
life becomes a worry-free retirement
when trust in banks is alive
life becomes lengthy articles
when people write more than think
life becomes much political wailings
when diets are Power-packed
life becomes a birthday party
when celebrations are trendy
life becomes a secluded area
when police and crimes hover it
life becomes all about sex
when wants defined as needs
life becomes a healing labyrinth
when prayers remind the soul
life becomes a careless gesture
when consciousness falls asleep
life becomes nothing
when meaning shuts doors
after all,
life becomes an intense, innate reflection
when all else falls short

I have learnt , but am still learning the worth of my life, how about you?

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

in avoidance ......

in avoidance of something I can't tell

weblog decamped

for what abstinence has this vagrant settle in
yet pin on the whinging of life's tribulations

he was forlorn, fraught with anguish
yet voluble in his chagrin

he did not stop
dreaming of the day he could guzzle in earthly delights
speak of life's spindly concerns
vitiate his peers
and hold his own in primacy

denying himself as an oblation
once and all

Sunday, July 10, 2005

loaded with heavy loads

Rubin has gone down to rave the car and i am updating my blog on his comp. still very sleepy but heck, the day still goes on anyway. i am impressed at his verbosity early morning, like an early commentator that irritated and pulled me up from my sleep. raphael has slithered back to sleep on the sofa again. cabbed down last night from ang mo kio after cell group with kareen and liqing.yes, after a long pathetic wait for bus 76, which never did arrive. I fear that having cg in ang mo kio every fri may just drain out my finances fast if cg always end so late.. sigh. i still embrace public transport and not cabbies. but anyhow, i am thrilled to be in this new cg. and have no regrets about my decision to come in as a female mentor. antoinette was with us last night and we went for supper at mas-ayu, the familiar old hangout. and the rest of the night was the boys' philosophical and pinning-me-down chats, how about that? i cannot believe i was sobbing on the bed with the boys present, what a predicament.....
If God has ordained to save me, he will be around to rescue me from any distress. For today, i pray i will be drawn nearer to the alphabet of truth by the author and perfector of my faith daily. i want to ask too for His providence in finance, in health and in the richness of my life.Instead of following my own devices, and cutting out new paths of thought for myself, i enquire for the good old ways of God's own truth, and beseech the Holy Spirit to give me sanctified understandings and a teachable heart.
"Lead me in thy truth, and teach me: for thou art the God of my salvation; on thee do I wait all the day."
Psalms 25:5

Friday, July 08, 2005

I have come to realise that there is an extremely dangerous thin line between having a
deep, passionate crush and being eromanic.

fine between the lines

Just some indelible recording of residual thoughts..
Yesterday, kit's message broke dawn and made me flummoxed for the next 12 hours. I couldnt comprehend for a long time, why he had noticed that I have stopped blogging. Although I really have a slackingly fragile memory, I do recall that I have updated my blog before I hit the sack the previous night. .
The day was stifled with routines, met up with my childhood friend, Yongli, (I still didnt understand why the cafe propped us with cappucino in a latte glass, and latte in a cappucino cup, what a cute mix-up) before I jottered down to Labculture at substation. Though I didnt want to go initially, I was glad I did anyway. Glad because I got to chat with ka5 finally, and rejoiced in the heart that he has moved on and is doing really well. Thoughts of Joanna flooded to mind, and receded me to the substation in Lasalle, where the 3 of us will squeeze time between classes to meet and chat. Joanna has grown distant because of her marriage life, while ka5 and I are still conversing in the same language of art. After dinner with the rest, Julie and I met pretty Hana at Boat Quay for a drink before we returned to Perumal. In her studio, we heard the sound of an accident right in the far front of her balcony. I tell you, I abhor this sound that pierced so familiar like that of my very accident. The night went by with Julie on her powerbook and me sketching rigorously beside.
The taxi and the lorry drivers were still shooting tirades two hours later and I am hurt that people love to wound each other so much. Why cant people bury hatchets, and shake hands in peace? must it always be the win-lose situation that boosts one's ego and gratifies the desires of the flesh? by what law are they living by?
Met Edwin today and dwadled over to his house to watch a DVD-Rashomon, together. But I fell asleep towards the end, cos I was darn plagued with fatigue. Although it was a goof-off time of slothing on a Thursday afternoon, it was also a superexcellent time of talking on his bed. I must pray that he emerges well from this ordeal. poor boy.
Activities battered me really exhausted and bleary. My inner introvert self is wailing broken. it is neccessitous for her own breathing space for herself now..
God, I am sorry that I have lost reverencing you for these days of being bustled with activities. I am sorry that I have spent lesser time with you and have conveniently disposed you at times. I am even more sorry that I have been immersing myself in thoughts of him than you and I ask for your grace to perfect me once again. Whatever it may take, I ask for your love to endure this renovation process in me as I toil to live by your spirit. Let the knowledge of you as my Lord be a familiar restrain in my life so that I will not sidetrack easily, and live merely to support my own dreams. I am weak and prone to falling, so God, I pray for your sobering reminder. I do not want to use your name glibly or in a profanely way, but in a magnifying way for your holiness.
I so very very much yearn to be in your loving arms again.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

still look so good together after 10 years

05/07/05 qingwen and I buddy for 10 years.. pray that his birthday wish- to finally get a Girlfriend, comes true! (we were out with yuanting and wanyan that night for coffee club mud pies).

another one pretty shot

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

cracks and holes of the mind

I have begun to realise that updating my blog has turned from something exhibitionist to something seriously personal. Somehow, I have developed this habit for myself in the past month to be devoted to my blog to hold my thoughts in captivity. My blog has simply, became my secret lover. Yesterday started as a normal day of carrying out duties I have to do, to go to Kallang and print out my postcards but the events that followed were not part of any plans at all. Spontaneously, we (Warren and I) caught Urich at Lasalle and decided that we should go cycling at East Coast since I was at Kallang, the so far east, anyway. And there we were, at Bedok jetty with the bikes we grabbed from Studio 19, watching the crimson sunset and being regaled with abit of Mother Nature-the chants of the sea we embrace, though we were very much 'with the wrong guys and with the wrong girl'. We eventually headed for Tzay Chuen's dad's wake at Potong Pasir with Lee Wen and Kai. Watching the video of his dad and family at the wake weighed my heart with overpowering grief and I almost shattered into tears. I was terribly grieved as I resided in thoughts of my own dad and his funeral that I had in my worst nightmares. Julie and I always believed that when we passed on, we will bring nothing along except for our faith. And for people, especially my family, without a faith all their lives, you know the consuming pain I feel for them? This burden is one I cannot in my cleverness, illustrate.
Julie and I left and hopped to Grange Road for the night. Even more bizarre, was that we got hooked to 'Sex and the City", and watched it till morning around 8plus. When tear-jerkers and can-sized comedies don't excite the mind anymore, mouth-watering actresses triumph. At 9am, my biological clock turned foul and I collapsed on the bed till 2pm. I was waiting for Julie to join me but she never did get to the bed. When I woke up, we swam as planned and returned to the apartment to cook pasta for a late lunch. As a dilligent kitchen helper, and first time learning to cook, my confidence in cooking was brewed. I didnt need to be out of town to proclaim that this day is the best one in this holidays. With Julie's company and in Grange Road where reality wasnt a neighbour, I was so near paradise. It is such a different day from my usual days of waking up, with my studio work brawling at me and not to mention, the listful emails groaning for attention. There, I knew it was solace pampering the heart.
I knew for sure too, we all need lifesavers at certain stops in the shortness of our lives. These lifesavers deplete you of trivial injuries, lonely communions, mindless pursuits, conniving glances, opinionated teachings and endless monologues, for a moment. And that moment is priceless to the human tiny soul.

Monday, July 04, 2005


If I have a car, I will be driving now. How much I miss driving. It has been 4 grudgingly long months since the accident, and images of the shattered windscreen are still so vivid.......
Lets talk about VISION today. A quirky one, to fantasize about driving in this sultry weather, is that a dream or vision? definitely a dream. So what then is a vision? Ed Young defines vision as "the God-given ability to see the unseen". I really love this, vision is also, "seeing the transparent through the apparent". He also says vision takes root in the private areas of our lives before it is released to the public arena.
As for me, I have always perceived vision as a mirage. Vision is often distant and unreachable, yet very much desired and dreamable. I have also learnt that vision, unlike dreams, are self-generating. And I question if I ever have had visions before. Sadly, I came to reflect that I never did envision far enough. I have been near-sighted, and laying secured in my little dreams all this while.
Today let us request prophetic visions from Him. But this will not be possible or any easier without any faith. With faith, we have the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen and we have the evidence of things we cannot yet see, this will then naturally mould our God-given ability to see the unseen, that is, to envision like His children of promise. remember, your faith is more important to Him than mere gold. You dont have to be a called visionary to have visions, what you need is sheer assurance in your identity in Christ, then you will be courageous to have visions. To be able to have visions is like a reawakening of our joy of salvation, as well as a priceless inheritance from Him that is pure and undefiled. Let me tell you, I believe it is going to be inexpressible.
I crave for that vision for my life today, no more nitty-gritty dreams, and I know for sure, He will bring me there eventually.
So my prayer for you today, is that you will too, seek for that very vision from Him with a glow of fervency and enthusiasm. No more lean-fleshed days and ill-favoured hours from today once you catch that vision!

"And the vision of the evenings and mornings Which was told is true; Therefore seal up the vision, For it refers to many days in the future." daniel 8:26, NKJ

look what I have done

Sunday, July 03, 2005

super whiny insomnia for the lonely soul

I cannot get to bed, hard as I have tried. It had been a tortuous struggle on the bed a few hours ago, and sleep still did not kick in. I had been crying cos I cannot get to bed. my mind kept running marathons, I cannot stop thinking, and it perturbs me so badly, cos I am still not sleeping at this late hour. At this juncture, I think Earth has stopped revolving for me cos I cannot get to bed. Can anyone be kind to offer some help?
I have always wanted to write about this. Since I am awake now, I might as well just say it. writings are deceiving, does anyone realise that? words are vulgarised, misused, abused, and words grow old, wither and die too. one day, we will all be lost for words. do you believe in that?
I am awfully shaken and frightened at this thought.
but right now, even much more frightened cos I cannot get to bed. I am looking at my hostile bed with trembling fear cos I know I will still be tussling with sleep later on. Oh dear, why can't I get to bed? Of all things, I am so very troubled now because I cannot get to bed.

(side thought like a side dish: I am a dreamer living a life of mental illusions and fabrications)

settling dust

I wish I am mumbling this in perfect sobriety
when life has its wonders creeping surreptitiously
I am losing grips on this melody
and I know I am alienating away

For once I caught my purpose defined
'melodramatic' my name
If ever I give up pondering
be gentle to remind me

I cry when life rots too mediocre
panick when it turns sardonic
a second I thought my faith could save
but so adamantly
I might have frozen it

they say, love transforms life
binds hearts
tantalises hope
but dont they say too, love abandons life
crushes hearts
metes hope
as well?

they claim life is bittersweet
what an oxymoron.
then, of how much of it have they tasted
to declare it so

I have sprouted too much of a persona
wringing me all drained and dry
a shovelful of rest
or a giant surprise
is a wishlist
of what I need

as the silence of midnight
continues to ring in my ears
and captures restlessly the winds of life
that stabilises me

and then, of what this occurence is
a procurement
no more
than a paradox ?

Saturday, July 02, 2005

I am relishing in egon schiele today

m & m almond chocololates

awakened this morning, still harping on why i actually spent 7 hours at esplanade yesterday. everything pieces like a dream altogether. perhaps i was there cos i blended well with the backdrop? or had i complemented the busy work of meng, sylvia and agnes? it seems an amusing night of me spacing out there, hypnotised by the plexi glass jigsaw puzzles, half-dreaming, and preoccupied with the brainless yet entertaining game in agnes's hp. i am not going to mention agnes's name again, since she is afraid i will jot anything that will sully her reputation, but i had never encountered someone editing my blog as i was updating last night at esplanade, except for her.
i dont know what spools ahead for today, i am afraid of travails in life and weary of testings to come, quite reeled by my doldrums. been living in a god-awful paradox for quite some time.

Friday, July 01, 2005

time out

Was out in the night with Agnes at esplanade, anyway, I am still here, waiting for her to return with me. time out today was great, except that I find it incredulous that she went to Beijing on a business trip. that is too chinese for me to take! to make things worse, she lived in this "He Ping Fan Dian" that I used to live in ten years ago! wat! some things just dont change, china as well!Apart from our usual jokes and updates, guess our conversation went a tad deeper today. Etched in my mind now is "a dreamer". with my so many agendas in life, I wonder if I am a dreamer. Yes, agnes says, it is never wise to just dream, need to act upon the dreams.
As I gazed, dazzled at the plexi glass jigsaw puzzles hanging, I was drawn to a point of euphoria, into a state of reverie. I wish time ethereally will just stop just at that.
I want to break away from this containment,
from a pain that is poignant as well.

the breathing mind

at Julie's place: was awake late this morning, and did not the usual opening of the morning paper or the bible. After washing up, while Julie was still cooped with dressing up, I comfortably settled on the couch with the 3-in-1 coffee and figured out how the DVD player works, as I had eagerly wanted to watch the Spongebob Squarepants DVD that she owns.
That was it. Though I managed to watch only a few episodes of it, or rather, in my entire life, I have only watched a few episodes of it out of its many, I do seriously have some thoughts about Spongebob. Above all, this is a good and endearing cartoon to watch. Spongebob, apart from its visual attraction, alltime exaggerations and slapstick humor , exemplifies primal instincts of humans in the reality of this fabric of society. It is no longer a kid's fantasy world of the choreographed world that Spongebob has portrayed. It is blatantly real. In "Tie my shoelaces", Spongebob assumed the childish superiority in trying to prove to Patrick that he could tie shoelaces. Dart your eyes at his helpless frustration when he realised he couldnt do it either. Throughout, he wrestled with his penny ability to attempt futilely to tie his shoelaces, to even walk properly with his shoelaces untied. Yet he had a faith small as a mustard seed, that eventually he could do it. He comforted himself with a sparkle of hope that he could master it by the next morning, but when he still could not do so, he did not despair. When all blame thundered at him at "Krusty Krabs' due to his untied shoelaces, his hope did not diminish. He still humbled himself to ask around if anyone can teach him how to tie shoelaces. He was desperate when no one could help him. (fishes dont wear shoes). Tested and tried, he dragged his feet home at the end of the day, only to realise the only one who could help him out was Gary. Someone he sees everyday, yet could totally neglect. He could have compounded on a seething anger within himself that could dump his faith easily. Yet he did not. His search was relentless and determined. while some may argue, it may be very well be a fuel for his ego, but I think ego or faith, there is still something to take home from this.
A two cents worth of commentary on Spongebob, remember this comes from a non-avid fan of Spongebob.