When you...

Count your losses,  am I one of them?

I want to feel again.

Welcome winter, you are my favourite.

The paperthin love

Roses prick with their thorns,
But entice with their fragrance,
Help me find her garden.

It has been so very much.

Reframing the mind.
Breathe again, Natasha.

Sound of the day

These are the stories untold,
I want to dance when you can't hold.
To know that you would call,
Cos we are not done with it all.

The infinitestimal distance

Between me and you.

Can you see the paradise at the end of the rainbow?

I want to.

Put the smile back on my face

Took me so long to reach here.
Can I do better now?

Strangely yours.

"Mire que se ti quise, fué por el pelo; Ahora que estás pelona, ya no te quiero." "Look, if I loved you it was because of your hair. Now that you are without hair, I don't love you anymore."

Sleep baby..

Everything will be alright soon.

Blast to the past

Wet morning. Hot coffee. All life's energy expended in the last week. Found hope in inspiration. Missing. My dialogue of the moment.

I am holding the rain in my eyes.

Every choice implies exclusion.

Goodbye

My recovery is exacted in eternity,  moldy in memory and far from final.

I can cry this over and over again.

Days

It is perhaps in those wretched days racked with pain that we can change the game.

I ...

I should be crying but I just can't let it show.

Dead to Nothing

I can actually be so. It is going to be a year.

The Great Diva I Starts Again

I am missing myself already. Gatsby had an incorruptible dream. Diva has one too. "Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgiastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that’s no matter — tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther.... And one fine morning — So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."

Just doesn't feel so good

Yes, it doesn't.

The other side of things

Make it lighter Just for you and me Slower, It seems Why it appears and goes away Couldn't believe it was happening all again. There is so much one can have Plunge in Blow it away Stay on All night waiting and it's alright.

Disappointed

Forgive yourself.

It is April.

Someone said, "Empty your cup and start anew." It will still be a nightmare if I do not empty my cup. I have come so far in this recovery journey. And I have opened my eyes to many things, new and/or old around. It scares me greatly that I cannot re-enact the happy of the past, perhaps more than what had happened to me. I am closing my eyes and telling myself I am not sure. The morning sky today feels cold to begin with. The winds blow, as though bringing winter nearer. It is April now, I keep on keeping on.

RITES 2013

Blink, the dawn of eternity Singing to myself a melody In it lies a grieved longing. Whisper, lips touching Thinking sips of melancholy My heart didn't stop trying. Dusk will arrive Tears will dry Between us, there is a sky so high.

Natasha, are you back?

Have I woken up from this nightmare?

Of breakdowns and immense pain- backdated post

Okay, depression. Last week, the first week of school, was extremely tiring. I was a warrior daily, fighting Goliath with the swings of the sling. One try, two tries..and every day was trying. Hands holding. Zal and Kai. I fought breakdowns at the assembly ground. My legs were beyond me. My mind wanders and shuts involuntarily whenever I became disengaged. And I get nervous about my existence in that time and space. I shiver while holding my phone. I tried a microphone yesterday. Same. My mind was an archive. I lost it. I stared at contents of my hard disk. I was a f**king meticulous lady, I knew every name of my folders and files. I felt defeated by them now. I could only revise. I was purpose-driven and a workaholic. I am hardly one now. I drift and am wasted. I am a heartbroken spirit. Safe zones. I found those spots in be in. People who make me warm internally. I stay there. Self-talks. Keep saying positive things to myself. Hate the person in the mirror but love the beauty of my soul. Look forward. I am leaving this place. I can start anew. I can be better than I deserve. I am a great Nat the DIVA. Confidence. Art and ECG. Knowledge- based or memories. Repeat what I used to do. To try to be just like before. At least a semblance. Space. Vacant spaces threaten the vagrant heart. It envelops me in throes of fear. Grief. My immense pain from my grieving. I lost my hair, mind and heart. And I am sorry for myself. Unfortunate. And I ought to be. Can I look beyond myself, celebrate imperfections and manage my expectations? (for once?) How can something so wrong feel so right all along? Even if the former order of things has shown its cracks and broken down, I was happy. I miss her. That Nat the DIVA. And I want to be happy, all over again. I can be.

Snakes and ladders

I fell from the largest snake. Find me back the ladders. :((((((