May. 28th, 2005 12:51 pm stop and smell the flowers
Wherefore am I trapped in this triangle of love,
when no love romantic I have yet felt.
Calming myself. Stopping, stopping to smell the flowers I told myself.
If only, souls would pause in their hasteningsand see the many splendid details, of God's arranging.
To step aside from reasonings, which so quickly dulls life,
to simplicity that flows sweetly, with the wonder of a child.
To sit awhile, clearing thoughts of dark, imaginary clouds.
And so, in the river of godly stillness all pervading-is such purity of mind.
Is what I hold true,
For the waves of goodness, will overshadow wrong.
Sunday, May 29, 2005
Archived journal-May 2005
May. 28th, 2005 12:47 pm No comparison
No life my friend compares
With the beauty of the Lord,
No jewels, no gold nor silver shines,
Like the love of Him adored.
So much remains a mystery,
His work tells us so,
But it is by faith we understand,
And know which way to go.
I pray then as you read these words
Your heart is soft and tilled,
So that the seed which God will plant
Will grow to do His will.
God, Jesus and Holy Spirit,
All miraculously one,
God is calling you my friend
Through your Saviour,
God's own Son.
No life my friend compares
With the beauty of the Lord,
No jewels, no gold nor silver shines,
Like the love of Him adored.
So much remains a mystery,
His work tells us so,
But it is by faith we understand,
And know which way to go.
I pray then as you read these words
Your heart is soft and tilled,
So that the seed which God will plant
Will grow to do His will.
God, Jesus and Holy Spirit,
All miraculously one,
God is calling you my friend
Through your Saviour,
God's own Son.
Saturday, May 28, 2005
Friday, May 27, 2005
Archived journal-May 2005
May. 27th, 2005 12:46 am Revision to a dream
I should be sleeping by now.. but I don't know why I can't sleep. I have been thinking about thinking, so many thoughts flooding this little brain. What's wrong? I keep thinking about what Hasan said to me, and I question myself if I am really going to church to find a sense of belonging. In any case, do I have a sense of belonging to anywhere? I don't know, can I measure sense of belonging ever? By happiness, by no. of friendships? This week of mission trip training has been good for my spirit, I haven't felt so near or even close to church ppl for the longest time. But is that what I want? Can I do without? No, I am not thinking about leaving church, but I can't forsee what is going to come next. And to be honest, I am afraid. It is so much cosier to hang out with the familiar ppl in my midst, with the TAV friends, my LaSalle friends, with Julie, with Joanna and Wendy.. I feel so much at home. But in church, its just so different, am I assuming another personality all together? God, hear me out. You know how much I love you, and trust that you will see me through all of this.. so drive these evil thoughts out, won't you? James 's "Natasha, you are too ambitious", still lingers man. Admitting to this statement is so hard, yet I am clear in the deepest of my soul, I am. It is all about me. It is all about me and my achievements. But it is so terribly tough to give them all up. Can you do something about it God? I am vexed with myself. I don't like these thoughts in my mind, they drain me and deplete me of my consciousness. I want to be found again.I miss Joanna too much. I want to cry out to her and tell her how much I have missed her. I want to hug her and tell her how much I need her. This void she has left in my heart can never be replaced. Do you know how awful it feels when you need someone physical to talk to and you can't find anyone? How many times do I enagage in my monologues? So many, umpteen times in a day.Ezzam asked me about God that day, he said if God is a doormaker of many doors, who then gave this doormaker the right to make doors? And it sets me thinking man.. is there a God above this God that I believe in? How is andre now? I really want to know but I am scared to know at the same time. I still think of him and I pray that he is getting on fine.. I hope against hope in this. I feel like a bastard to have broken his heart.I was selfish, too selfish.God, if you are a fragrant rose in the bed of thorns, and a stream in the wilderness, bless me with hope. That is all I need for the next day, and the day after next, and the....
I should be sleeping by now.. but I don't know why I can't sleep. I have been thinking about thinking, so many thoughts flooding this little brain. What's wrong? I keep thinking about what Hasan said to me, and I question myself if I am really going to church to find a sense of belonging. In any case, do I have a sense of belonging to anywhere? I don't know, can I measure sense of belonging ever? By happiness, by no. of friendships? This week of mission trip training has been good for my spirit, I haven't felt so near or even close to church ppl for the longest time. But is that what I want? Can I do without? No, I am not thinking about leaving church, but I can't forsee what is going to come next. And to be honest, I am afraid. It is so much cosier to hang out with the familiar ppl in my midst, with the TAV friends, my LaSalle friends, with Julie, with Joanna and Wendy.. I feel so much at home. But in church, its just so different, am I assuming another personality all together? God, hear me out. You know how much I love you, and trust that you will see me through all of this.. so drive these evil thoughts out, won't you? James 's "Natasha, you are too ambitious", still lingers man. Admitting to this statement is so hard, yet I am clear in the deepest of my soul, I am. It is all about me. It is all about me and my achievements. But it is so terribly tough to give them all up. Can you do something about it God? I am vexed with myself. I don't like these thoughts in my mind, they drain me and deplete me of my consciousness. I want to be found again.I miss Joanna too much. I want to cry out to her and tell her how much I have missed her. I want to hug her and tell her how much I need her. This void she has left in my heart can never be replaced. Do you know how awful it feels when you need someone physical to talk to and you can't find anyone? How many times do I enagage in my monologues? So many, umpteen times in a day.Ezzam asked me about God that day, he said if God is a doormaker of many doors, who then gave this doormaker the right to make doors? And it sets me thinking man.. is there a God above this God that I believe in? How is andre now? I really want to know but I am scared to know at the same time. I still think of him and I pray that he is getting on fine.. I hope against hope in this. I feel like a bastard to have broken his heart.I was selfish, too selfish.God, if you are a fragrant rose in the bed of thorns, and a stream in the wilderness, bless me with hope. That is all I need for the next day, and the day after next, and the....
Saturday, May 21, 2005
Friday, May 20, 2005
Archived journal-May 2005
May. 20th, 2005 02:20 am stopover-end
Finally the end of "Stopover" 2005. Has been more than good to get to know the jap performance artists and of course all the other Singaporean artists. Feels so good to talk about art and think about art all day. met interesting people and opened up opportunities too. I am so tired. havent been home and havent been sleeping. aiyo.. so tiring. Just want to jot down this to remember this fabulous event. will continue to dwell on it more I believe=)Im loved! as always!
Finally the end of "Stopover" 2005. Has been more than good to get to know the jap performance artists and of course all the other Singaporean artists. Feels so good to talk about art and think about art all day. met interesting people and opened up opportunities too. I am so tired. havent been home and havent been sleeping. aiyo.. so tiring. Just want to jot down this to remember this fabulous event. will continue to dwell on it more I believe=)Im loved! as always!
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Archived journal-May 2005
May. 18th, 2005 02:03 pm Have you questioned yourself?
me and ezzam--------have you questioned yourself??---------shaking our heads-----------------------thanks to Ghazi.. our ringtone is great man, keep it up!!!.."You really know where to start, fixing a broken heart(natasha's solo), you really know what to do, your emotional tools can cure any fool, whose dreams have fallen apart, fixing a broken heart.. tak dapad la...." ooooooooo
me and ezzam--------have you questioned yourself??---------shaking our heads-----------------------thanks to Ghazi.. our ringtone is great man, keep it up!!!.."You really know where to start, fixing a broken heart(natasha's solo), you really know what to do, your emotional tools can cure any fool, whose dreams have fallen apart, fixing a broken heart.. tak dapad la...." ooooooooo
Archived journal-May 2005
May. 18th, 2005 10:49 am waking up
I am spending the rest of what's left today to tidy up loose ends before I head for Frontroom gallery.. scanning my sketches and trying to type out the writeup for "Stand Behind The Yellow Line", also want to put in more pics for this blog.. we shall see how.. been so unproductive lately.. got the training schedule for mission trip printed out and the list of things to bring, finally settled the schedule with Deepa, my tuition student, yay!... haiz.. so many things cluttering this brain,a waterlogged brain at this moment of time.. I need to revive myself soon... Last night was a good chat with Qingwen, my buddy for ten years. The first platonic friendship in my life, the first buddy... hahaha.. he is coming back for sumer break and we can celebrate our ten years of friendship! I am all for it! Finally, he has fallen in love with "My Best Friend's Wedding".. watched it 4 times some more..haha.. I pray for the performance later.. May Stopover 2005 , 18-19th May, be a real time success, cos God, you will be there with us=)
I am spending the rest of what's left today to tidy up loose ends before I head for Frontroom gallery.. scanning my sketches and trying to type out the writeup for "Stand Behind The Yellow Line", also want to put in more pics for this blog.. we shall see how.. been so unproductive lately.. got the training schedule for mission trip printed out and the list of things to bring, finally settled the schedule with Deepa, my tuition student, yay!... haiz.. so many things cluttering this brain,a waterlogged brain at this moment of time.. I need to revive myself soon... Last night was a good chat with Qingwen, my buddy for ten years. The first platonic friendship in my life, the first buddy... hahaha.. he is coming back for sumer break and we can celebrate our ten years of friendship! I am all for it! Finally, he has fallen in love with "My Best Friend's Wedding".. watched it 4 times some more..haha.. I pray for the performance later.. May Stopover 2005 , 18-19th May, be a real time success, cos God, you will be there with us=)
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Archived journal-May 2005
May. 18th, 2005 12:54 am been so far..
was really enjoying myself so far.. the bang start of my hols.stayed over at Julie's place yesterday, had been a good time of sharing.. was really opening my ears when she talked to me about the Quran and the Yassin which she used for praying to her mum. Very thrilled that she decided to even start praying again. been praying for everything to go well for performance in Stopover, I hate hiccups!.. my second solo performance this year.. yahha.. looking forward to more opened doors for me in the coming future. As I thought over the TAV website and our discussions that night, I think that I have already decided in my heart what to do and my commitment to it. I am all excited about this revamp, a wholesome makeover! was struggling to get this blog up and at the same time so enthusiastic about doing it.. finally I hope I can say here that "its up!". I will not be ashamed to write of anything, basically a simple diary for me, and a gift for my friends in case anything happens to me. A habit that I have lost since about ten years ago. Picking it up again and wishing that it will last, I hate five mins interest! My writing has not been good lately, must be the msn language viruses, so my aspirations for this holidays (my longest hols in NIE) are to be able to dilligently make work for " Stand Behind The Yellow Line", "Postcard Exhibition", be a fag-hag in "Ruber", go KL with Lina and Julie, read and write more!
was really enjoying myself so far.. the bang start of my hols.stayed over at Julie's place yesterday, had been a good time of sharing.. was really opening my ears when she talked to me about the Quran and the Yassin which she used for praying to her mum. Very thrilled that she decided to even start praying again. been praying for everything to go well for performance in Stopover, I hate hiccups!.. my second solo performance this year.. yahha.. looking forward to more opened doors for me in the coming future. As I thought over the TAV website and our discussions that night, I think that I have already decided in my heart what to do and my commitment to it. I am all excited about this revamp, a wholesome makeover! was struggling to get this blog up and at the same time so enthusiastic about doing it.. finally I hope I can say here that "its up!". I will not be ashamed to write of anything, basically a simple diary for me, and a gift for my friends in case anything happens to me. A habit that I have lost since about ten years ago. Picking it up again and wishing that it will last, I hate five mins interest! My writing has not been good lately, must be the msn language viruses, so my aspirations for this holidays (my longest hols in NIE) are to be able to dilligently make work for " Stand Behind The Yellow Line", "Postcard Exhibition", be a fag-hag in "Ruber", go KL with Lina and Julie, read and write more!
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
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