May. 27th, 2005 12:46 am Revision to a dream
I should be sleeping by now.. but I don't know why I can't sleep. I have been thinking about thinking, so many thoughts flooding this little brain. What's wrong? I keep thinking about what Hasan said to me, and I question myself if I am really going to church to find a sense of belonging. In any case, do I have a sense of belonging to anywhere? I don't know, can I measure sense of belonging ever? By happiness, by no. of friendships? This week of mission trip training has been good for my spirit, I haven't felt so near or even close to church ppl for the longest time. But is that what I want? Can I do without? No, I am not thinking about leaving church, but I can't forsee what is going to come next. And to be honest, I am afraid. It is so much cosier to hang out with the familiar ppl in my midst, with the TAV friends, my LaSalle friends, with Julie, with Joanna and Wendy.. I feel so much at home. But in church, its just so different, am I assuming another personality all together? God, hear me out. You know how much I love you, and trust that you will see me through all of this.. so drive these evil thoughts out, won't you? James 's "Natasha, you are too ambitious", still lingers man. Admitting to this statement is so hard, yet I am clear in the deepest of my soul, I am. It is all about me. It is all about me and my achievements. But it is so terribly tough to give them all up. Can you do something about it God? I am vexed with myself. I don't like these thoughts in my mind, they drain me and deplete me of my consciousness. I want to be found again.I miss Joanna too much. I want to cry out to her and tell her how much I have missed her. I want to hug her and tell her how much I need her. This void she has left in my heart can never be replaced. Do you know how awful it feels when you need someone physical to talk to and you can't find anyone? How many times do I enagage in my monologues? So many, umpteen times in a day.Ezzam asked me about God that day, he said if God is a doormaker of many doors, who then gave this doormaker the right to make doors? And it sets me thinking man.. is there a God above this God that I believe in? How is andre now? I really want to know but I am scared to know at the same time. I still think of him and I pray that he is getting on fine.. I hope against hope in this. I feel like a bastard to have broken his heart.I was selfish, too selfish.God, if you are a fragrant rose in the bed of thorns, and a stream in the wilderness, bless me with hope. That is all I need for the next day, and the day after next, and the....
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