Wednesday, November 23, 2005
honor her faithfulness, even when there is a reason for ..
In life, we need an anchor. We cannot be floaters. I live in a world of my own, with good enough space for strength and imagination, with wisdom, peace and much self-comfort, as though today is the last of everyday, where loneliness becomes prolonged and overbearing, longsuffering love much forgotten and inadequateness of the self is much more prominent today. O, what am I doing now, fixing a computer in the middle of the night because I cannot get to sleep. Insomnia sounds chronic, so we can forget about using it. Adoring the delicateness of the mini parts in the CPU. I mean, I must admit I am quite a talent at anal things. I cannot help but be amazed, and marvel at the tasks my hands can do. Hands are a wonderful creation from God, this I am so sure. Then there is the mind that is very much alive in her thoughts. The thoughts that flow are trains that lose their way and get bundled into heaps like the twisting of railway tracks as an eventuality. She doesn’t want to rest, thoughts raged the moment the eyes attempt to close..because there are more than a million things, slipping through those moments of contemplation like grasped sand falling through the palm of a hand. As the clock ticks on religiously, she breathes the palpable air of the dense night; the four walls of the once bloated room encase her at an increasing speed. She thought and felt that the longer she stays awake, the later the next day will arrive, it seems. She fears the coming of tomorrow for she has permitted herself to worry about it carelessly. She could not release that fear and let it flee. When life’s rituals are broken, fears sink in. and without self-control, you will end up a pitiful whiny girl who keeps banging her head against walls, devoured by hot tears. ‘I don’t know’ is a lazy answer to questions; it reflects nothing but sheer ignorance. Yet so often. ‘I don’t know’ is used, abused, and misused. She is guilty of it, because she loves to hide from reality, she hates being questioned, instead of continually pondering, she brushes reality off to live a life of mediocrity. She delights in being alone in her own world, away from the real and tangible, the harsh and raucous sounds of the living. She wishes memories to fade faster since they are fruitless, leeching on the human energy and the countless emotions of the heart. She is tired in this warring of the soul and the world. There must be something more than this. Vagaries of the mind can cause the conflagration of the soul. Purpose to life is like skeleton to body, Zacharias says. Perhaps at the end, I only need my soul..i cannot figure out why the heart is quite hurt by david’s words, but the truth is, words always hurt. And the deeper truth is, everyone is self-important. She hopes she can be less emotional. Blessed are the pure at heart, for they shall see God. Images fleet through her mind again, maybe she is hallucinating. She conjures too many fantasies in her time. And so she continues to shut herself , reducing her words slowly, till silence enfolds. The eyes indefatigably half-closed. And the heart beats on, with the last ounce of supernatural energy in her. She cries out loud, sharp and piercing.. She grips on to the garment of the last breath, till shivers and chills of the cold weather outside swathe her completely.
waiting is not passive
WAIT
My soul it yearns for you at night
My spirit longs for you all day
Your love it rests upon my heart
Your Word I’ll seek and I’ll obey
Pre chorus
Humbly I come
Your will be done
Chorus
Lord I wait at Your feet
Bowing before You
Come and release
Your Truth to me
Lift me up from the pits
Take me and cleanse me
Reveal to me
And I’ll respond to You
Bridge
I will wait upon You Lord ….
My soul it yearns for you at night
My spirit longs for you all day
Your love it rests upon my heart
Your Word I’ll seek and I’ll obey
Pre chorus
Humbly I come
Your will be done
Chorus
Lord I wait at Your feet
Bowing before You
Come and release
Your Truth to me
Lift me up from the pits
Take me and cleanse me
Reveal to me
And I’ll respond to You
Bridge
I will wait upon You Lord ….
Friday, November 18, 2005
living with a lie
sometimes, the feeling of emptiness can just fill you intensely when you lose focus, its like the whole of you ( physically especially) taken away by the worldly matters that don't seem to connect much with what the inner of the heart is beaming..i think i need something else, not all of these. sometimes you want to just say it out, but then it is like ..you rather live with the lie that gives you alot of hope. i mean, i really do need something else to feed the mind and i know what it is. there is no point living with a lie when you pursue God.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
seal in heaven a heart for you
It has been ten months since I returned to church after a hiatus for a year and a half. By writing this, I seek on my knees, by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, to attest to the eternal goodness of Christ in my life.
Physically returning to church did not thrust me into a life of walking right with Him, for that initial few months, I have to own up that I was still a foot in the wilderness and battling to reach that divine overhaul of life altogether. Back then, I had conceived in my insolent mind that I could never be able to back on fire for Him again. I felt unloved and judged as I had fallen and was beyond redemption. I was insatiably searching for an identity and not acknowledging that Christ still resides in me, neither was I taking pride in my identity in Christ when my life was still caught in the tempest of displeasures and soiled with many worldly concerns. Simply, I was still engulfed in the cycle of defeat when victory has already been won. It was laborious to pick myself up again if I had not tapped on His empowerment.
From being unwilling to surrender worldly achievements, self-rationalization, writing poignant poems, reading books of secular value, having hang-ups about serving in church, detached from the family of Christ, His everlasting love transformed to who I am today. I am propelled by this love to press on once again like never before to abide by His words, that only gives me perfect guidance in life. It is from the mission trip to Bogor, Indonesia, in June that magnified once again, my outlook of life with God’s perspective. And from then on, I have been clothed with the habitation which is from heaven exceedingly. I knew and felt once again a new creation where the old has gone, the new has come. (ref: 2 Corinthians 5:17)
The mission trip to Indonesia with the Youths and some Young Adults privileged me to witness the children God desired, and is a yardstick to me on how to be part of a royal priesthood and holy nation for His kingdom. I saw the rich faith in my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ there that burns and cries out passionately for God, their hearts of servanthood in unconditional humility, being disciplined and obedient; how they can against flesh, consider it pure joy despite poor living conditions, acute religious warring, testings of faith and countless adversaries. I saw the spiritual and physical healings done by His hands on His people and the wholesome love of being a part of the family He has ordained. God expands my horizons as He proves to me how He can inconceivably make all things possible. There was so much that I have learnt from that blessed land and am appreciative that I was bursting with sharings for my spiritual family here when I returned. I felt hope renewed and was determined single-mindedly to love the Lord my God with all my heart, with all my soul, and with all my strength. I knew at once, how far the resurrection of Christ can bring me if only I earnestly seek after the heart of God as His chosen people. At the same time, I am indebted to Him for the love embellished on me by my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ in Bogor, and that by His purpose; I was able to reflect His glory and bless them in return. I indefatigably persevered in this seeking in the church camp at Seremban, and through prayers and petitions it was soon obvious that I was all set to move with this church I love, to soar on His wings as long as the heart was willing.
Coming back from the church camp, the series of events that followed - the changing of cell groups, a recent prophecy that tells of my ability to offer spiritual gifts and talents to the church, and now, the restructuring of the Young Adults Ministry, illuminated me further on His destiny for me. My brothers and sisters, our unbiased God has truly brought this seeking of my heart to fruition and He will do the same for you too. I deny no more; yearn for nothing else but for more of His refining work in me. The heart has now softened and is open to His callings. When sin has once clouded my vision, He has cleansed me with His precious blood, making me pure inwardly so much that I am prepared to behold Him in full splendor on the day He returns with the candor of childlikeness.
“I love those who love me, And those who seek me diligently will find me.”
Proverbs 8:17 (New King James Version)
Physically returning to church did not thrust me into a life of walking right with Him, for that initial few months, I have to own up that I was still a foot in the wilderness and battling to reach that divine overhaul of life altogether. Back then, I had conceived in my insolent mind that I could never be able to back on fire for Him again. I felt unloved and judged as I had fallen and was beyond redemption. I was insatiably searching for an identity and not acknowledging that Christ still resides in me, neither was I taking pride in my identity in Christ when my life was still caught in the tempest of displeasures and soiled with many worldly concerns. Simply, I was still engulfed in the cycle of defeat when victory has already been won. It was laborious to pick myself up again if I had not tapped on His empowerment.
From being unwilling to surrender worldly achievements, self-rationalization, writing poignant poems, reading books of secular value, having hang-ups about serving in church, detached from the family of Christ, His everlasting love transformed to who I am today. I am propelled by this love to press on once again like never before to abide by His words, that only gives me perfect guidance in life. It is from the mission trip to Bogor, Indonesia, in June that magnified once again, my outlook of life with God’s perspective. And from then on, I have been clothed with the habitation which is from heaven exceedingly. I knew and felt once again a new creation where the old has gone, the new has come. (ref: 2 Corinthians 5:17)
The mission trip to Indonesia with the Youths and some Young Adults privileged me to witness the children God desired, and is a yardstick to me on how to be part of a royal priesthood and holy nation for His kingdom. I saw the rich faith in my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ there that burns and cries out passionately for God, their hearts of servanthood in unconditional humility, being disciplined and obedient; how they can against flesh, consider it pure joy despite poor living conditions, acute religious warring, testings of faith and countless adversaries. I saw the spiritual and physical healings done by His hands on His people and the wholesome love of being a part of the family He has ordained. God expands my horizons as He proves to me how He can inconceivably make all things possible. There was so much that I have learnt from that blessed land and am appreciative that I was bursting with sharings for my spiritual family here when I returned. I felt hope renewed and was determined single-mindedly to love the Lord my God with all my heart, with all my soul, and with all my strength. I knew at once, how far the resurrection of Christ can bring me if only I earnestly seek after the heart of God as His chosen people. At the same time, I am indebted to Him for the love embellished on me by my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ in Bogor, and that by His purpose; I was able to reflect His glory and bless them in return. I indefatigably persevered in this seeking in the church camp at Seremban, and through prayers and petitions it was soon obvious that I was all set to move with this church I love, to soar on His wings as long as the heart was willing.
Coming back from the church camp, the series of events that followed - the changing of cell groups, a recent prophecy that tells of my ability to offer spiritual gifts and talents to the church, and now, the restructuring of the Young Adults Ministry, illuminated me further on His destiny for me. My brothers and sisters, our unbiased God has truly brought this seeking of my heart to fruition and He will do the same for you too. I deny no more; yearn for nothing else but for more of His refining work in me. The heart has now softened and is open to His callings. When sin has once clouded my vision, He has cleansed me with His precious blood, making me pure inwardly so much that I am prepared to behold Him in full splendor on the day He returns with the candor of childlikeness.
“I love those who love me, And those who seek me diligently will find me.”
Proverbs 8:17 (New King James Version)
Monday, November 14, 2005
Calmer of the Storm
When everything is wrong
The day has passed and nothing's done
And the whole world seems against me
When I'm rolling in my bed, there's a storm in my head
I'm afraid of sinking in despair.
CHORUS:
Teach me, Lord to have faith
In what you're bringing me will
Change my life and bring you glory &
There on the storm I am learning to let go
Of the will that I so long to control
There may I be in your arms eternally
I thank you, Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.
You rebuke the wind and the waves
Once again I find I'm amazed & the power of your will
Cuz I'm a child of little faith
I feel the wind and forget your grace
And you say, "Peace, be still."
There on the storm I am learning to let go
The white wave's high, it's crashing o'er the deck
And I don't know where I go
Where are you Lord, is my ship going down?
The mast is gone so throw the anchor
Should I jump and try to swim to land?
There on the storm, teach me God to understand
Of the Will that I just cannot control
There may I see all you love protecting me
I thank you Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.
-david shared this with me .. a very wonderful song that ministers to the heart
The day has passed and nothing's done
And the whole world seems against me
When I'm rolling in my bed, there's a storm in my head
I'm afraid of sinking in despair.
CHORUS:
Teach me, Lord to have faith
In what you're bringing me will
Change my life and bring you glory &
There on the storm I am learning to let go
Of the will that I so long to control
There may I be in your arms eternally
I thank you, Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.
You rebuke the wind and the waves
Once again I find I'm amazed & the power of your will
Cuz I'm a child of little faith
I feel the wind and forget your grace
And you say, "Peace, be still."
There on the storm I am learning to let go
The white wave's high, it's crashing o'er the deck
And I don't know where I go
Where are you Lord, is my ship going down?
The mast is gone so throw the anchor
Should I jump and try to swim to land?
There on the storm, teach me God to understand
Of the Will that I just cannot control
There may I see all you love protecting me
I thank you Lord, you are the calmer of the storm.
-david shared this with me .. a very wonderful song that ministers to the heart
Saturday, November 12, 2005
I love my quiet time
I came back from community penetration today and decided to satisfy the hunger for God's words today. I flipped to James and read the 5 chapters of it again and found this speaking to me. James 5:7 (NKJ), which teaches us to be patient in our sufferings as we persevere in our relationship wih God. "Therefore, be patient, brethren, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, waiting patiently for it until it receives the early and latter rain." So many a time, we carelessly rush through things and are quick to complain, that we do not restrain ourselves in the virtue of patience. In this time where words like quick, instant, fast and convenience dominate our lives so pervasively, we lose that patience in us, so much that we are not willingly patient to await in Him and for His second coming. We ask ourselves in this waiting, are we able to endure pain, bear difficulty, and put up with annoyance with calmness? are we tolerant and understanding constantly?
Being not hasty and impulsive, are we capable of calmly awaiting that outcome/result ?
I drifted on to Hebrews and stopped at Hebrews 7. "The King of Righteousness"-Melchizedek, who is more fully exploited in the book of Hebrews, is a type of Christ in His priestly ministry. Christ must be understood as an antitype of Melchizedek because the silence concerning his ancestry, priestly pedigree, birth and death illustrates the eternal and changeless priesethood of Christ. For God testifies," You are a priest forever, according to the order of Melchizedek". I love how the story of Melchizedek had been so deployed upon the divine page in isolated glory and splendor.
Being not hasty and impulsive, are we capable of calmly awaiting that outcome/result ?
I drifted on to Hebrews and stopped at Hebrews 7. "The King of Righteousness"-Melchizedek, who is more fully exploited in the book of Hebrews, is a type of Christ in His priestly ministry. Christ must be understood as an antitype of Melchizedek because the silence concerning his ancestry, priestly pedigree, birth and death illustrates the eternal and changeless priesethood of Christ. For God testifies," You are a priest forever, according to the order of Melchizedek". I love how the story of Melchizedek had been so deployed upon the divine page in isolated glory and splendor.
Friday, November 11, 2005
trusting in the Lord
came back from cousin's wedding last night, meixin and youquan (edward). glad that we were able to celebrate and share in their matrimony. it is at times like these that u feel a kind of fear and a social pressure. when all your cousins speedily start to get married within a year... and you are still who you are. perhaps, marriage is really hard to undertand. that step towards marriage may just entail an overhaul of life itself. I don't know, don't really want to know too.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
nostalgic ritual
it is at strange hours like last night that i began doing strange things. i picked up anais nin again, gosh, it has been a month since kit gave that book to me. rereading it again, the lucid words that drill shivers into the soul, and the cauldron of emotions in an instance masked my senses. at the same time, the nostalgia from memories came to consummate those unshed tears in the eyes in that space of my room. loneliness and silence didnt seem to matter much anymore. soon, i took out all of my books, and started to wrap them.one by one.. each book marks a significant time in my life, and that ritual was an act of recollecting those great blocks of fading memories.. it is when you realise, cleansing against the resonance of my memory, that many people have actually strided quite a bit with you in this life.. by the books they have lovingly given to you.
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
myy student, deepa and I, finally the Olevel english exams is over.. we can finally take a breather.Indeed God is been kind, praise God.. she is so sweet, says that I am the best tuition teacher she ever had, all praise and glory to Jesus.(when you are this old, and have students of this age, it is a good reminder of how much you have aged)
my heart is prone to wonder
holidays started with a million and one things to do..
i feel stifled with things that the body is reluctant to do..i feel like a candle flickering in the microcurrent of the air. the human skin seems to feel no more..when taking pictures of the house seem a joy instead, pushing buttons in the brain.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Sunday, November 06, 2005
Christ beyond the skies
For you
Are a ravishing delight
Rare and treasured
I can celebrate the songs of the saints
With a red hot passion
endless worshipping
In the resurrection ever adored
the heart of your every lover
you shield
the sufferings of your little ones
you nurse
the testings of your believers
you undergo
For you
minutes and seconds
we breathe on this earth
cradling us to an eternity
the miracle of this world
I do not fear the strange and fiery trials
Let me partake in your sufferings
seize all my feelings,
in the sacrifice ever prepared
For you
in this devout time of thanksgiving
this nation
crown it the home of your gospel
Are a ravishing delight
Rare and treasured
I can celebrate the songs of the saints
With a red hot passion
endless worshipping
In the resurrection ever adored
the heart of your every lover
you shield
the sufferings of your little ones
you nurse
the testings of your believers
you undergo
For you
minutes and seconds
we breathe on this earth
cradling us to an eternity
the miracle of this world
I do not fear the strange and fiery trials
Let me partake in your sufferings
seize all my feelings,
in the sacrifice ever prepared
For you
in this devout time of thanksgiving
this nation
crown it the home of your gospel
a letter from my best friend
Hey dear,
thanks for the "father's letter". I always cry reading letters sent by your and by God. thanks alot my dear friend. i'm feeling better now. i will trust that niki and miki is happily in heaven with God. i remember you saying that God will not just take away my preciouse. to be honest, i sometime cry in the night and asking God why such thing have to happen, and kind of blame God over this. but the next day i will be strong again and convince myself that god planned every thing for a reason. it will happen over and over again in the night, for a very long time. the sadness within me is almost unbearable. miki is my daulghter, not a dog. but i know i'm strong and will be strong. i think it is just time for me to recognice death. because one day my mom will die too. i start thinking about my short films, they are really sad and disturbing. if i am still an artist, i will try making film that is happy. because my wish now is to be happy each day. it is the hardest achievement of mankind. thanks for being my friend. you make me proud.
love, joanna
u know what, i don't know how i canreply to this letter. Joanna, i want you to know that i have been keeping you in mind and in spirit. because God has spoken, He will let these things come to pass. we can only keep on praying.. as we all strain towards the prize heavenwards. you make me proud too, very very proud.
thanks for the "father's letter". I always cry reading letters sent by your and by God. thanks alot my dear friend. i'm feeling better now. i will trust that niki and miki is happily in heaven with God. i remember you saying that God will not just take away my preciouse. to be honest, i sometime cry in the night and asking God why such thing have to happen, and kind of blame God over this. but the next day i will be strong again and convince myself that god planned every thing for a reason. it will happen over and over again in the night, for a very long time. the sadness within me is almost unbearable. miki is my daulghter, not a dog. but i know i'm strong and will be strong. i think it is just time for me to recognice death. because one day my mom will die too. i start thinking about my short films, they are really sad and disturbing. if i am still an artist, i will try making film that is happy. because my wish now is to be happy each day. it is the hardest achievement of mankind. thanks for being my friend. you make me proud.
love, joanna
u know what, i don't know how i canreply to this letter. Joanna, i want you to know that i have been keeping you in mind and in spirit. because God has spoken, He will let these things come to pass. we can only keep on praying.. as we all strain towards the prize heavenwards. you make me proud too, very very proud.
Saturday, November 05, 2005
every moment I am awake
If the world is sane, then Jesus is mad as a hatter and the Last Supper is the Mad Tea Party. The world says, Mind your own business, and Jesus says, There is no such thing as your own business. The world says, Follow the wisest course and be a success, and Jesus says, Follow me and be crucified. The world says, Drive carefully -- the life you save may be your own -- and Jesus says, Whoever would save his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. The world says, Law and order, and Jesus says, Love. The world says, Get and Jesus says, Give. In terms of the world's sanity, Jesus is crazy as a coot, and anybody who thinks he can follow him without being a little crazy too is laboring less under a cross than under a delusion. -- Frederick Buechner
on the 3rd of November 2005, we went to julie's dad's place at Blk 53 Telok Blangah drive for a hari raya lunch. this is the first time i have ever celebrated hari raya with my friends..so many of us were at julie's place and the food was superb (julie's sister has fantastic culinary skills). i have concluded that it is wonderful to have such festive gatherings and it warms the heart to see people of vastly different generations in that same contained space, yet binded in that same united purpose of celebrating that new year's day. as usual, propelled by that innate love for children, i played with julie's nephew and boy, tiring it is for many of us, because he is extremely hyperactive, noisy, garrulous and naughty.. but undoubtedly, he remains the joy kicking on this festive day, bringing runs of laughter to many of us. this is the first time too, that i have ever updated so many pictures on my blog..
we headed to jason's place at Blk 473 pasir ris Drive 6 soon after for a hari raya dinner.. and became witnesses to jason's fashion show , somewhat sober i hope. i really had a great time and perhaps the best to kickstart a holidays ahead.
today, i woke up and had a lunch with denjz, haven't seen him for a long time.. and i spent the whole day, listening to the city harvest sermons online, spending time with God, reading my bible. I have seen and am still seeing God through love..I want to be a pillar for Christ today, right now. i have also recognised thatas philip yancey says, i am a spiritual being in this human experience, not a human being in this spiritual experience.
on the 3rd of November 2005, we went to julie's dad's place at Blk 53 Telok Blangah drive for a hari raya lunch. this is the first time i have ever celebrated hari raya with my friends..so many of us were at julie's place and the food was superb (julie's sister has fantastic culinary skills). i have concluded that it is wonderful to have such festive gatherings and it warms the heart to see people of vastly different generations in that same contained space, yet binded in that same united purpose of celebrating that new year's day. as usual, propelled by that innate love for children, i played with julie's nephew and boy, tiring it is for many of us, because he is extremely hyperactive, noisy, garrulous and naughty.. but undoubtedly, he remains the joy kicking on this festive day, bringing runs of laughter to many of us. this is the first time too, that i have ever updated so many pictures on my blog..
we headed to jason's place at Blk 473 pasir ris Drive 6 soon after for a hari raya dinner.. and became witnesses to jason's fashion show , somewhat sober i hope. i really had a great time and perhaps the best to kickstart a holidays ahead.
today, i woke up and had a lunch with denjz, haven't seen him for a long time.. and i spent the whole day, listening to the city harvest sermons online, spending time with God, reading my bible. I have seen and am still seeing God through love..I want to be a pillar for Christ today, right now. i have also recognised thatas philip yancey says, i am a spiritual being in this human experience, not a human being in this spiritual experience.
Friday, November 04, 2005
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