Im spending this little amount of time I have before I head for cg outing to blog. I find this urgent need to pen down these thoughts before I enter into another segment of the day, or the last activity perhaps of the week.
This week has flown past just like that with so many activities; the Chinese New Year is gone, slipped through the grasp of every one’s hand. I am feeling really tired. Been up doing work, and thinking. Late nights make my eyes very dry. Yes, in our confabulation, as li kai says, I think like a lot. The storm of thoughts that piled up in the head is always there. The fecundity of the human mind is awfully brilliant. I am constructed in this manner and by the grace of God, I am who I am today. Living in a crippled world, where celebrities do not grow old, but you do, is overwhelming for anyone.
In a few days’ time, Joanna will be back in Kaohshiung and I have to admit that like what she says I am pretty cold-blooded. The whole world did not stop for her, and I did not even attempt to, though I really tried. Sometimes, I wonder what I have been living for. I am not sure but I know I have let myself be pulled down by work that I lost a lot of what is in the original me. And every morning, will be a time I recharge, and I love mornings because they always straighten my thoughts somehow. I am thankful that I managed to pull through this week somehow. I have no space for another person in my life, so much that I reckon my life is just as good being alone. Selfishness? Yes, I think I am. And I demand too much of myself. But then again, I do not discount my love and concern for those around too. How much God is stretching me? Very much stretched. When I was consumed by so many problems in a specific time and space, that pressure is totally suffocating, yet I had pressed on and endured it anyhow. So much that I do not want to ground my life to reality, so much that I believe there is still something more. So much that my soul yearns to take flight.
The only thing that I somehow managed to complete this week is a comprehensive presentation of the brief history of performance art. I am in love with knowledge, I lust for it. I lust after thinking about it too. I have been reading, and I think I need to evaluate what I have been reading too. The profound content grips onto my soul so tightly sometimes, that it changes me as it insidiously shapes my mind. His perfect love drives out all fears. Fears must never have a place in my heart, understand? And yet there are regrets when I am bold. I am confused by myself, and yes, the heart is deceptive. I do not even know whether my train of thoughts has a destination at the end of the day. And I am not sure too, if I am on the right train, It is only when I spend time with God in my prayer closet that I can be leveled to completion, to an entirety. Oh God, I cry out to you now, come and heal my heart and make it as pure as before. Whatever is done, whatever has left blotches on the history of my life, may you wipe them off. I need you, only you. And no, I do not live a life as though you are created for me. I love you, you know it.
God, I am sorry that I have been impatient, that I acted on my desires. I will push those thoughts to the back of my mind, right now. I swear I will never work on that again. I am desperate to return to your warm hug where I can be secured. I never want to stray from your love. My dreams are yours.
The breakouts of emotions shall be forgotten and the wicked chantings of the brain shall stop in the mighty name of Jesus, signed off by His blood.
Ps: the musings about blogging, is very true.
I am continuing here from after cg. We had a relatively fun time at settlers. though the games can really be brain cracking. I wonder.. what is the attraction point of this little café? Is Singapore too boring to begin with? I reckon so. Joined Joanna and all in Continental Hotel, Bugis after cg. We played Taiwanese mahjong, I am really anointed, won 2 games, haha. Before Joanna, I can really let my hair down and enjoy time, like taking time off to smell the flowers. Candy was there too… all beauties, great for the eyes to feast =) tomorrow is the BIG DAY for Joanna, I am really going to cry, I am sure, hope everything goes happy and smooth. I love her so much, She is the best I have ever found, Thank God for her in my life =)..preparing for a wedding is so troublesome, yet sprinkled with tinges of joy ….i am really tired now.. but I still have stuff to do… the excitement just can’t end .. always yours, Joanna
In life, the sounds of silence are of the loudest, even between best friends, there are so much unspoken but felt. even between lovers, there are endless questionings and settlings. I pray God will cover us all in bed tonight. though i know we are all going to bed really late.
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