Sadness is only temporary.

I should have known. Too many times he had lived the words ‘fade away’ on his lips. I should have known that he was ready at the doorstep of my heart, suitcase packed. It does not matter anymore even if I am grabbing his hand so snugly each time.

Whenever I stare at the pen he has specially chosen for me, it spins that deep fondness from me, like a synergistic connection between us. Somehow, I wonder if that pen meant a new beginning for me, or us, or itself a tragic symbol of ending. Everyday, his sms-es and calls just lift my soul a tad higher. I love to call and talk to him, or even just knowing where he is and what he is doing is enough for me. It sings the mind and heart to rest somewhat.

These days, restricting myself to phone that number I have already memorized has been all too frequent. Each time is an aching wrestle between the heart and mind. However, such misery dissolves naturally when I see or hear from him again and happiness enters in. Even if it is just short moments of sitting beside him in the car, our conversations are so often punctuated with uncountable ‘thanks’ and ‘sorries’. As much as his eyes often tell of him searching for answers, I have unthinkably been looking into his eyes to find an answer as well. It must have been harsh on him to be my friend. Despite all, I am elated in our cracking ups that magnetizes us each day. I have been more than contented.

The bottomline is, it does not have to be whether he loves me or I love him. What bags an importance is, if each memory we have left each other is a candy-coated one.

Since the day I know him, my days are changed. He simply forms a large proportion in my life that helps to radiate love and joy from my heart. On the day I cried on his shoulders, I told him between tears, “Thank you for being my friend”. Then, I had thought I had found one to rely on, someone who said he cares for me ever so deeply. But today, with the last breath of the sms, he seems all primed to go away from me.

If you ask the extent of my strain and agony, I woke up in tears and cried and cried while tucking into my one-dish wonder- pasta. I whipped up one for him earlier in the week, I hope he remembers.

I know perfectly this is too wrong. Such is youthful lust and disobedience to God that can either intensify my pursuit of God’s ways or wickedly stray me away from Him. In face of conflicting grounds we stand on, a friendship plagued with quarrels after quarrels is what it is. He can never understand my point of view just like how I can never see things through his eyes. It is a fact cast in stone for us. Do we carry it on? Or should we?

Love, is what they call a condition of emotional primacy, invented to describe electrifying vibes between two living creatures. Is there love in this friendship when ‘fading away’ is so loosely used? Why profess romantic love when it is so easy to step out, forget, and journey on to yet another phase of life? My mind is blown off by life’s cussed reality. It is not about relentlessly fighting it out anymore. The equation is:
‘I know God’ + ‘You don’t know God’ = ‘I wish you know God’ + ‘I hopefully know God next time’

If this is a tug-of-war between us, I gladly lose to you. I am sorry to have been only a benchwarmer in your life the past few months.

Goodbye..