speak of perils

Entrapped in a system of rigid attitudes that limits my autonomy. This is a one-liner to sum my life as a university student. I hate exams not because they determine an A or a B. But the bare fact that exams in the Singapore context are so-called intellectual vomit for every student. The abrasiveness of it runs counter to my life’s mission of not pleasing humans to win the praises of man. Must I pander to your favoritism? As much as there is value in the content of knowledge, the act of regurgitation in the exams greatly diminishes this value. Who remembers the smell of candy floss after visiting the carnival? Can one ever articulate it? An afternoon coffee joke of ‘do you remember the lawyer in “To Kill a MockingBird?’ or was it ‘How to kill a Mockingbird?’ is a reminder that jerks our senses to reality. Why bother to put us to test of how much we have retained when we will not retain it after all? The university that unites everyone in diversity, (yes, a crude diversity in agendas, my lecturers just want their paycheck at the end of every month, and we just want our pretty grades on that ‘priceless’ piece of paper) is sheer mockery to everyone. I thought I was a fighter in this battle of life in Singapore, but today at 25 years old, I am much sucked into this reprehensible system. No weapons that I had thought I possess can bring me victory out of it. Emotionally, I wonder why I have distastefully allowed myself to be persuaded into such sensibilities.

Against life’s shifting and ambivalent setting that locates one in a precarious situation, I am finding ways to worm into the joys of life. Sometimes one must not get too caught up with performing to achieve something; life must assume the identity to ease social restrictions and promotes freedom of mind. A little rest, a little fantasy and pleasure. I must learn to inhabit these little ant holes so that the grand scheme of life will not consume me. Things must become secondary to lesser events, so that the lesser events will loom larger in the memory. If Colgate tastes different on the tongue after use, words must then color my memory of life.

Let me try this: Since Moll Flanders is the embodiment of financial deception and passive victim of circumstance, then she will not make friends with Lizzie and Laura who are weaklings consumed by the evils of commoditization. If Lily Briscoe attempts in every way to evolve from traditional prescribed gender roles with her feministic artistic vision, then she would think The Lady of Shalott is such an impoverished, destined-to-die artist.Of them all, if Moll fights against Lily, Moll will definitely win because she is not like Lily who had 'missed the best of life". Moll has both money, sex and marriage, thus is the most successful cheat artiste around!

I feel like I am travelling through the vestiges of time every moment. This is the contemplative me away from the hustle and bustle of the activity of the everyday.