learning something

Yesterday’s celebrations at Julie’s and Jason’s place was memorable. I can still remember vividly the celebrations last year. (check blog archives nov 2005)We all have grown a year older. Gilles was patting me on the shoulder and telling me the day will come for me when I realise that time is catching up so fast. And this year is the first time I wore a kebaya. Julie’s nephew is talking more than ever and he told us yesterday that he likes to live in this BIG GIANT SPIDERMAN HOUSE. He can be real funny. This year, I got chocolates for him and sister but did not take a picture with him. Maybe I was just too tired and lazy. This year, there are lesser people at Julie’s place esp, many of us are busy or overseas, and we did not take a group photo together as we were too preoccupied with the TV and people simply left randomly. We spent the entire day lazing in the house, not having real conversations till night, we headed down to Jason’s place. Got to meet Lindy Poh. Wonderful food and wine, I did not stay on too long since by the time we reached, it was already nine. Somebody came to fetch me and that was when all tragic began.

This is the second time in my life that I felt very close to death. My weakened body from fatigue and wine was against the speed of the bike and my senses shut on me in the journey home. Even when I tried to open my eyes, I could only see pitch black. My head was spinning in a merry-go-round I wanted desperately to brace my body out of the bike and fall to the road; my body was slipping into a violent reaction; I could not hold on that journey any longer. We finally reached the petrol station and I upchucked everything in my body with great force. My head was pounding and crashed on me. I could not even think. I know I was causing a lot of ache to somebody to see me in that miserably pathetic state of making gut soup in public but I was so haplessly trapped. I just could not stop throwing up. I never want to repeat this history ever again. A big thought descended into my mind in the course of this experience. I really may not always have tomorrow to live.

To somebody, thank you for being by my side in this unexpected spew. I am sorry for draining you out by not taking care of myself and lost the battle with myself in fighting that discomfort yesterday. I pray that such a disaster will not happen again. I really may not always have tomorrow to live. Please accept all my expressions of love to you. If you want to know, I am still keeping my word of that one year entrusted to God. I am sorry that I am still unable to take you on completely into my life though I really love you a lot and a lot. I need time, God’s time. Thank you for always loving me selflessly. I love you.

For two nights, I have forgotten to take my night medication. The side effects are increasingly obvious. Not only my lips are dry, my nose and face seem to be flaking too.. =( I must really remember to take care of myself.. I must continue to live this life for God and the people I so dearly love.