Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Of breakdowns and immense pain- backdated post
Okay, depression. Last week, the first week of school, was extremely tiring. I was a warrior daily, fighting Goliath with the swings of the sling. One try, two tries..and every day was trying. Hands holding. Zal and Kai. I fought breakdowns at the assembly ground. My legs were beyond me. My mind wanders and shuts involuntarily whenever I became disengaged. And I get nervous about my existence in that time and space. I shiver while holding my phone. I tried a microphone yesterday. Same. My mind was an archive. I lost it. I stared at contents of my hard disk. I was a f**king meticulous lady, I knew every name of my folders and files. I felt defeated by them now. I could only revise. I was purpose-driven and a workaholic. I am hardly one now. I drift and am wasted. I am a heartbroken spirit. Safe zones. I found those spots in be in. People who make me warm internally. I stay there. Self-talks. Keep saying positive things to myself. Hate the person in the mirror but love the beauty of my soul. Look forward. I am leaving this place. I can start anew. I can be better than I deserve. I am a great Nat the DIVA. Confidence. Art and ECG. Knowledge- based or memories. Repeat what I used to do. To try to be just like before. At least a semblance. Space. Vacant spaces threaten the vagrant heart. It envelops me in throes of fear. Grief. My immense pain from my grieving. I lost my hair, mind and heart. And I am sorry for myself. Unfortunate. And I ought to be. Can I look beyond myself, celebrate imperfections and manage my expectations? (for once?) How can something so wrong feel so right all along? Even if the former order of things has shown its cracks and broken down, I was happy. I miss her. That Nat the DIVA. And I want to be happy, all over again. I can be.