Thursday, June 29, 2006

an excellent mind, an unshakeable faith

Just when I was about to close down my blog, I have a million things to say.
I have turned into an evil teacher who screams at my students every day. I saw myself raising my voice more than ever before. And slamming my lap top and hitting the duster in front of the class. I stutter when I raise my voice, but more importantly, I want to raise my soul above all these crevices of life, even if it is in the vale of tears. It is ugly. I hate it too much. I go back daily in repentance and with an ache of the heart. Things are picking up speed and are irreversible. A million things to accomplish, but I want to do them for the fear of the Lord and not Man. Can I even keep my sanity? I am not too sure. People walk long journeys for petty rewards, but not even a step for eternal rewards, how incomprehensible is this? Isn’t it easy just to talk and give instructions on your ever fantastic ideas? And forget that talk is cheap? Each time you gaze down; remember your subordinates are the suffering ones. I wish to tell you I desire to work for you with a servant’s heart and living life in a conduct of esteeming others better than myself. Consider. But I cannot shred this pride, when I think I m just picking up from where you all have left and trying my best to rectify all the wrongs that have been committed. Don’t you realize that it is going to take its toll on me? Just take a look at my eyebags, you will understand what has been going on these few days. I ask myself, did Jesus die for all of these brilliant projects I have been tasked to? I don’t think so, and I cannot agree. I do not want to miss the point of teaching, it is my answer to God’s calling, but everyone else fails. Everyone else misses the point. Ideas have consequences; it is more than an emotional excitement at that spur of the moment. And I am the hearer, but remember, I only hear God’s words beneath your every instruction. I am sorry my darlings, I do not wish to shout at you all. It was all done in poor desperation and helplessness. God, please continue to help me in my teaching and it is all about your love. I realize that CME lessons are the finest lessons to teach and guide the young about the purpose of living, and no way will I want to shout at you in that precious time. I am so thankful I managed to play ‘Home’ to you all in class without any ignominy or guilt or fear. My Home is in my Lord. His abundant and pure Home for me each day. As I meditate on His Word each day, oh my, it just opens up that vast expanse of wisdom that pours forth His love. Yes indeed each generation will commend your might and your great works. I will breeze through the dark valleys of death with you in my life. Working is dryly mechanical, but you are molding my work into something soft as fur, light as feather with your gentle loving hand each day. I love you and I know I am here to stay in you.
Goodnight my Lord, my one and only. I am your daughter, ever thinking about you, your words and you..I want to be stronger in spirit and not weak. , In your foundation of greatness, embellish my soul with your gracious power today, one more time.

Monday, June 26, 2006

The last I saw was the Cross hanging on the rear mirror ..

Joy overcame me when listening to the heavenly sounds in Victoria Concert Hall..Ever since I set my eyes on Him, I have a joy inside me, and I feel very pretty, especially today.

I have been happy =)

Saturday, June 24, 2006

how many times have I broken your heart, still you forgive..

“One day God got tired of people. They were always pestering Him, asking Him for things. So he said, “ I’m going away to hide for a while.” So He gathered all His advisors and said,” Where should I hide?” Where’s the best place for me to hide?”

Some said, “Hide on the highest mountain peak on earth.”

Others said, “No, hide at the bottom of the sea, they’d never find you there.”

Others, “Hide on the other side of the moon; that’s the best place. How are they going to find you there?”

Then God turned to His most intelligent angel and asked Him, “Where do you advise me to hide?”

The intelligent angel smiled and said, “Go hide yourself in the human heart. That’s the only place where they never go!”

(A beautiful Hindu story from “Walking On Water” by Anthony DeMello, perfect read)

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

friendship begins and doesn't end.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

and then it began

I finally received his call today, but retreated at his brashness, and over – excitement. It is not about calling me at a bad time, but bringing another world into my life. Of so many things said, I felt that I was not even properly seated on the car he was driving. Every bit of hesitation, I might have gladly fallen and skidded off. In all that left me raising my voice and almost breathless, he sure did make me feel loved and appreciated in the most ironic way. It is as though he is able to answer the questions in my head more than I can. I want to choose to think it is all for God’s reason that we can even communicate in or places now. And with pleasure, he has just brought it all back upon my shoulders now. I don’t know how God is going to unfold His plans for me in this month to come. But fear shall not seize me, never.

Friday, June 16, 2006


The Church Camp has come to closure.. And I am back in Singapore with a burst of invigorating energy. In the unruffled manner of this camp, God has drilled deep into my soul. I want to remember how my knees went weak and fell when the Spirit was upon me, I want to remember how He had said to my heart, “Won’t you just ever rest in me?”, and I want to remember how he had broken my defenses in the worship song “The Stand – “So I stand, with arms high and abandoned, in awe of the One who gave it all. I stand, my soul Lord to you I surrender, All I am yours…”

I am going all out for you my LORD!

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
1 Corinthians 10:13

(2005-2006) 150606 Church Camp Holiday Villa Subang -- And this is my buddy James Pang. We are CHANGED by His grace. Friendship is from God.

150606 Church Camp Holiday Villa Subang -- My dear Janice and I.

150606 Church Camp Holiday Villa Subang -- (from left) Sharon Chan, Philip, Me. Elizabeth, Charmaine, Sharon Kuah..God has been GREAT in our lives !!!

150606 Church Camp Hoilday Villa Subang -- the new cg..bonding in God's grace and love ^______^
120606 Church Camp Holiday Villa Subang -- the last dinner with my old cg.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Natasha started to make art again before the impulse dies and before she leaves. This is the buckle of a suitcase, a prelude to her new series of "white suitcase" dreams.

The story of faith

For an outstanding period of time, I could not much understand why people will not believe in God.

Today I want to talk about faith before I embark on church camp where I am heading for CHANGE in my spiritual journey, my spiritual perspectives, and spiritual walk.

In the sermon by Pastor Tiak, he mentioned “The Silver Chair” by C.S. (Clive Staples) Lewis, a Christian apologist, who had written many books on Christianity and of course, the famous Chronicles of Narnia that hit the masses months ago.

“The Silver Chair” is the sixth wonderful adventure writing in the Chronicles that is not just a riveting quest, but a tale that spills life into the true meaning of freedom.

In the land of Narnia, guarded by the great Lion Aslan (which symbolizes Jesus); it proclaims that ordinary children do extraordinary things. “When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.” (Mark 10:14) Eustace and Jill had an intimate encounter with Great Aslan in their sudden arrival in Narnia. In their daunting expedition of adventure and danger, Jill met Aslan by the river streams when she was in an extreme state of thirst. Aslan granted her access to the streams to quench her thirst. But she was afraid, for fear that if she were to go near the stream, Aslan is going to gobble her up. But she was desperate; there was no other sight of water available. As much as she needed to fill her thirst, she resisted, because she knows that any step nearer to this lion, might mean her being devoured by him. So she asked if he had eaten little children before, Aslan replied, “I have eaten everything, anyone from children to adult before.” That terrified her excruciatingly.

“Will you promise not to eat me up if I go near to drink from the streams?” Jill asked as she gingerly tiptoed nearer.

“I make no promises.” Aslan replied.

Confronted with a need to quench her thirst and the danger to be eaten up by Aslan, she had to make a choice.

This very segment of this fantasy explains why people will not believe in God. Simply because, they will not trust. “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1 Because they cannot see and do not yet know of the promises God have for them, they are not willing to give it all up for God. They remain bonded to the cares of the world because they want control of their lives.

Like Jill, taking a closer step means danger, means a step into the unknown; though well knowing her need to quench her thirst. Though well knowing, deep in their hearts, they have a desperate need for God. That explains it. When we say we want more of God, it is a step to danger, believe it or not. Because being nearer to God signifies nearer to losing oneself. “For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will save it.” Luke 9:24

This is the story of faith.

When God shows you the way you do not want, when your prayers do not ‘work’, when the world is going to reject you, when you are going to lose it all..

The question is “will you take it up?”

I pray, and I will continue to pray.

I leave this to you before I go off.
Love always,

Saturday, June 10, 2006

everyone has a wishlist, why not me?

I am going to be

:going back to school
:missing my colleagues
:thinking of my students
:an art and history teacher in a secondary school
:a shining star in Working Adults cg
: “setting fire for God” in my new cg
:building close relationships with my new spiritual family
:residing in SAM from Sept to Feb
:working hard to curate the show in Jan-Feb
:still keeping my art practice alive
:wiser though my wisdom tooth is gone
:more independent than before
:more thrifty than before
:more selfless than ever
:more steady in faith
:more in love with God
:a powerful woman of God
:still His precious child
:keeping up with old friends
:finding new friends
:prettier and prettier
:happier than now

Changes make one grow, they really do.
I am too tired to explain time and again where I come from and what I stand on.

It has always been about you.. my GOD, my counsel and my friend
hard to say goodbye

see us in action, a little 'farewell' speech.

090606 This is the last cg session with my YA cg, (ice cream at Cathay's Ben's and Jerry) never did I expect it to be one that's isn't easy to say goodbye. This is my best cg so far, and I love each one of you. You all have been a blessing, a large part of my life and are just too wonderful for any words of description.I have treated you all like my own brothers and sisters. May our memories be etched in our minds for a long time. As I leave u all, remember to be Great Men and Women of God. We all run on together for Him from now even if it seems that we are on different tracks.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

"But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."
Matthew 7:14
Nat drinking MEIJI low-fat milk this season

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

060606 all I need is my Father's love

isnt this a beautiful pic above us?

and we prayed for the nations of the world, in fervent unity

and in the National Stadium we worshipped GOD

040606 to the Global prayer meet we go.. the multitudes of God's seekers

Saturday, June 03, 2006

030606 The Saturday Sunset at Bt Batok --from Natasha's window

What I am up to this season

1) Consecration for Church Camp Life Abundant
12th-15th June 2006
2) Preparation for my degree studies in NIE

7th August 2006
3) Collaboration- Singapore Art Museum & The Artists Village project

Sept 2006-Feb 2007
4) Performance at Chng Seok Tin Exhibition Opening

7th July 2006
5) Teaching in Teck Whye Secondary School

till 7th August 2006

Friday, June 02, 2006

Sadness is only temporary.

I should have known. Too many times he had lived the words ‘fade away’ on his lips. I should have known that he was ready at the doorstep of my heart, suitcase packed. It does not matter anymore even if I am grabbing his hand so snugly each time.

Whenever I stare at the pen he has specially chosen for me, it spins that deep fondness from me, like a synergistic connection between us. Somehow, I wonder if that pen meant a new beginning for me, or us, or itself a tragic symbol of ending. Everyday, his sms-es and calls just lift my soul a tad higher. I love to call and talk to him, or even just knowing where he is and what he is doing is enough for me. It sings the mind and heart to rest somewhat.

These days, restricting myself to phone that number I have already memorized has been all too frequent. Each time is an aching wrestle between the heart and mind. However, such misery dissolves naturally when I see or hear from him again and happiness enters in. Even if it is just short moments of sitting beside him in the car, our conversations are so often punctuated with uncountable ‘thanks’ and ‘sorries’. As much as his eyes often tell of him searching for answers, I have unthinkably been looking into his eyes to find an answer as well. It must have been harsh on him to be my friend. Despite all, I am elated in our cracking ups that magnetizes us each day. I have been more than contented.

The bottomline is, it does not have to be whether he loves me or I love him. What bags an importance is, if each memory we have left each other is a candy-coated one.

Since the day I know him, my days are changed. He simply forms a large proportion in my life that helps to radiate love and joy from my heart. On the day I cried on his shoulders, I told him between tears, “Thank you for being my friend”. Then, I had thought I had found one to rely on, someone who said he cares for me ever so deeply. But today, with the last breath of the sms, he seems all primed to go away from me.

If you ask the extent of my strain and agony, I woke up in tears and cried and cried while tucking into my one-dish wonder- pasta. I whipped up one for him earlier in the week, I hope he remembers.

I know perfectly this is too wrong. Such is youthful lust and disobedience to God that can either intensify my pursuit of God’s ways or wickedly stray me away from Him. In face of conflicting grounds we stand on, a friendship plagued with quarrels after quarrels is what it is. He can never understand my point of view just like how I can never see things through his eyes. It is a fact cast in stone for us. Do we carry it on? Or should we?

Love, is what they call a condition of emotional primacy, invented to describe electrifying vibes between two living creatures. Is there love in this friendship when ‘fading away’ is so loosely used? Why profess romantic love when it is so easy to step out, forget, and journey on to yet another phase of life? My mind is blown off by life’s cussed reality. It is not about relentlessly fighting it out anymore. The equation is:
‘I know God’ + ‘You don’t know God’ = ‘I wish you know God’ + ‘I hopefully know God next time’

If this is a tug-of-war between us, I gladly lose to you. I am sorry to have been only a benchwarmer in your life the past few months.