Thursday, July 31, 2008


too mummified after the movie -- we are turning blue, with great sexy lips.

Monday, July 28, 2008


Feeling somewhat misplaced waking up to a morning not at kranji but home.

Last night, I re-learnt to park the car. I have not been on the road for some time. And a large part of it is that fear that the car will CRASH once again. Each time I tell myself to drive again, I just conveniently dismiss it with reasons like “I’m tired”, and “I’m lazy”. But I know I feel great to be on wheels again, at least I know I used to feel THAT great while driving. I feel proud each time I can park the car really straight. I feel great each time I can do what I think I can do. I am too, comforted that the car is not CRASHED. And what more, it is somebody’s car and not mine.

Slowly, I am learning to take disappointments. Disappointments when Man fails you and decides to fail you. Disappointments when people are not what the world calls, “A friend in need is a friend indeed.” I am learning acceptance. Acceptance that life offers big and small surprises, and surprises that do not surprise me most of the time. Also, I am learning more about the change in myself. Yes, I have grown less excited. Less excited about the things around. It is like the world has been turning, but I have not been turning along with it. It is about the age and experiences in my life that I have CHANGED. And I know there is more right ahead.

I am still on a runaway. I have decided to run away, and not just a getaway to Jakarta. I have long been disconnected with my passion for art. I want quite badly, to be with it again. Even for 10 days. That is good enough for a bit of tension-release, for a bit of heck-care-the-world-out- there. Not that it gives me purpose and reason to live, but it gives me a little happiness that I need. What is being presented before me is a tapestry of hard labour and diligence. And right now, I am not sure. Really not sure, not sure about possibilities. Will I have the same presence like before? Or perhaps I am just resting on some former glory?

Some people ask me about my wedding preparations. I always say ok. Indeed it is. I know that it is true that nothing has been too big a hassle. But one thing, it has turned a little draggy to bear. Growing up in an instant culture, I want things to be snappy. The get-it-over-and-done-with attitude is what I have been carrying with me. It somehow reflects my real feelings towards all things right? I mean, I really love somebody and cannot wait to be with him in this marriage. Between us, there is ‘No Real Issue’. The procedures of it all, not doubt, have brought us closer , but have also made me on a pedestal of waiting and pondering. And it is not all that meaningful sometimes. Maybe God knows that the time is just not right for me to get started, on anything. That is why He has put me on this waiting list for the greater things yet to come. In the most simplistic manner, I suppose this is the best reason for everything now.

I am sooo glad God gave me the will to continue living. Oh yes, the free will in the matrix of fixed laws.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Thursday, July 24, 2008

What could be.

What could be more remote than the populated heaven in my heart?
What could be more unnoticeable than the veins under my flesh?
What could be more patronizing than the obligatory smiles on my face?
What could be more voluminous than the space my mind could go?
What could be more drowning than the sobs when I crumble?
What could be more foolish than the definition of my breath?
What could be more fragrant than the rice that feeds my hunger?

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

a modicum of privacy

I am choosing 'crossroad' to describe my various transits. I feel that I am on multiple crossroads all at once. And this strange feeling of “Where am I?” assail me daily. I wake up in the mornings asking myself, “Is this what I really want?”, or ‘Is this what God wants for me?” I suppose these are questions that could only be dismissed silently? And with each ponder, the day begins, the day ends. For now, I am about to put a period to my stay in Kranji. Just today, I stood in the midst of the students in the frenetic rush for food in the canteen. Staring at the beelines, I felt myself withering away. I had thought I could make good my stay here. But I am not too sure. Have I taught them well or rudely dragged them into some confusion which I am not aware of? Will they be alright? Have I made a difference or was I just a fleeting shadow in Kranji grounds? A mist that vanishes? If I am not stopping here to reflect, the next transit is already queuing in line.

Like most people, I like to have a good record of what I do in this temporary existence on earth. Despite the unpredictable moments of frustration and cruel blows to my esteem, I sure hope that beautiful memories will be inscribed in my memory for this short stay. I want to leave this place with fears washed away and the spirit clean. I would like to pat my own shoulder and say to myself that I have indeed grown stronger and more resilient.

Somehow, I hanker after a great pleasure soon.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Blunders that I have made in Kranji

1) I scolded my sec 2 student for not handing in his work although he had promised me to. I won the argumentin the end telling him that he should not keep denying, but it was not HIM. OMG, I got the wrong person!!(I apologised, of course)

2) While relief-ing sec 3 for P.E. I asked them to get out from the tennis court immediately and stop fooling around. One of them came up to me and said, "Cher, that one is basketball court. Not tennis."

3) I tried to get one of my students to distribute the marked assignments. I spotted him from the edge of the parade square during morning assembly. After walking into the mass of students to get to him, I lost him. I stepped back and decided to try again. I spotted him again and re-entered the mass. I lost him AGAIN! What's wrong with me??

4) I thought my school experiences friends there are on EXP, ha. But it is actually enhanced school experience (ESE)!!!!

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

goodbye to my EXP friends in Kr****, they have been the BEST companions.
goodbye soon to practicum observations
goodbye schizo, mean people
good riddance