Wednesday, November 29, 2006

faith is..

Jesus Calms the Storm
That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, "Let us go over to the other side." Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?"
He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.
He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?"
They were terrified and asked each other, "Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!"

Mark 4:35-40

Remember what people used to say? In the world, few people make things happen, some people watch what happen, and most people wonder what happen. Remember how God wants a partnership with Adam in the Garden of Eden? That He instituted the Fall to test Man’s fidelity so that through reason, they could understand their disobedience? Faith is not about wishing for the moon, hoping for the rain, God wants us to step out in faith to be a victor and not a victim, the head and not the tail, above and not beneath. God wants us to be problem solvers. True faith comes from the ultimate security we have in our identity in God.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

sacrifice paid. no regrets.

Gotcha blog. Hah, end of exams, catching this hour I am left with to blog before I go busy again. Took the time to read my girlfriends’ blogs. One thing I promise I will do. Wa, life seems kinda colourful for so many of them. Summer, if you ever read this, I love the trailer u did on ur blog, can u teach me how to create some kind of animation of my blog too? I need some power zest in this static blog. And my dear yanping, ur d n d picture looks funny, I think ur ‘beginning teachers’ are like cramped in one corner.. hah, but the d n d sure seems interesting. I realise that I have so many ‘princesses’ in my life- there’s princess summer, princess charmaine, princess pengy, princess grace, princess… I read in a magazine yesterday that there’s a princess in every girl. Maybe that’s why, but I never feel this way before. Maybe I'm too 'man' already. Princess natie? Forget it. Can I be a prince for all of you? Ok, I am far below ur ‘indian’ prince, but I have long eyelashes, so can I be your ‘indian’ prince? Maybe not, I will be a fairy godmother watching over all of you, that sounds cool. Or some wretched stepsister.

Haiz, one semester down, four more to go. I wonder how much my energy can carry me. I realised after today’s paper, my English is really getting worse than before. My pract crit skills suck. In the middle of my writings, I felt like I have never learnt English before, I don’t know how many ‘good’ I used, cannot think of better vocabulary to use. Me an eng lit teacher? Forget it, that is mighty lofty for me. I must learn to mug, the problem with me is I never know how to mug. I have been too easy on myself already, that’s why.. like I said, sacrifice paid, no regrets. Holidays are finally here, time to readjust and unwind and head for Jakarta to rest this worn-out soul. Time to peek at the world again and stop hiding in this murky, gloomy place that makes people crazily anxious. Time to getaway.

Pack my luggage and Fly fly flew..this pitiable nat ah ger working for inefficient people with no work ethics. come on, find happiness in a sacrifice.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

can't wait for feb 2007 to come. No more medication. I'm sick of my dry lips. they look like bloody sausages plastiqued in pain. oh gosh.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

reality or dreams?-needs a touch

I have finished Gibson’s paper.the first lit exam I took in NIE. The first lit exam after 5 years. Danny was saying its like alevels before we went into the exam hall. At that point, I felt alevels was too far away for me to even recall. but I think I did enjoy my study of lit in jc, esp whitby’s paper-pract crit.(cos we dun have to study for it).lit to me has always been a subject, a study that I can dream. Dream and write. My organised daydreaming. A large part of who I am made to be. Yesterday, when I realised that my hand crouched in an awkward cramped position after writing for abt 1 and 1/2hr of the exam, I realise that time has won me over, I’m not that young for writing in an exam condition anymore. I wanted to give it up. But I pulled it through cos I know God wants me not to give up. I felt so depleted after the exams but somehow going to cg re-ignite sthg in me again. Though it is not like I could go home and bash the bed after the exams, I know God preferred me to do His things more than mine. There is always something good about walking in his ways. During worship, I felt sthg stirring. And I prayed very hard for that to go away. When I woke up this morning, I thought I had just woken up from a dream. I wasn’t even sure if I had finished Gibson’s paper or I even went to farmart at all. I remembered I had travelled far with the cold wind slapping on my knees, making me shudder so very often. I remembered the deserted roads and the eerie trees. It really felt as though I had just emerged from some kind of dream. Uncanny. Maybe it’s some kind of insomnia or dementia. I want to reward myself a bit after these exams, but I realise I’m busier after the exams end. It is really not like I can rest. When the demand of duty falls on you, you just cannot afford to rest or let your hair down. And that is kind of unpleasant to the soul, I guess. I’m thankful at least for now, that my prayers are answered, that fear has gone away. That larger fear needs to go too. It feels good when your student tells you she will pray for you, isn’t it? I’m very happy that they are growing in love with Christ. Chua msg-ed me last night to tell me good job for the game, but I really want to say that the game came in a split second when I was dreaming. Something is wrong, my dreams are transmogrifying into reality. Hope it doesn’t give me bad premonitions one day. Somebody I don’t want to lose.

Monday, November 20, 2006

unpack my heart with words

if i really love him, how can i hold his life less dear than a pin and allow the wind to blow roughly against his cheeks?

when somebody becomes this
when studying becomes this
continue to keep me company
nobody says it was easy

Sunday, November 19, 2006

What's so great about the church?

"Although I am less than the least of all God's people, this grace was given me: to preach to the Gentiles the unsearchable riches of Christ, and to make plain to everyone the administration of this mystery, which for ages past was kept hidden in God, who created all things. His intent was that now, through the church, the manifold wisdom of God should be made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly realms" Ephesians 3:8-10

The church has always been a mystery in God's words, and God's intent is for us to discover this hidden secret through our relationship with Him. So what is so great about church? Why do one needs to go to the church? Is it like what others say, the church exists in thou heart?

1.The Church is the Foundation of the Truth

In Paul's words, "if I am delayed, you will know how people ought to conduct themselves in God's household, which is the church of the living God, the pillar and foundation of the truth." 1 Timothy 3: 15

In this postmodern age, people go what truth that is not absolute. Truth becomes relative and they forgotten that in the over-sung innovation, technology and out-of-norm work, foundation of truth is paramount to achieving all of these. People flew out of proportion with what truth is, no measure of right and wrong, no measure of good and bad. People live by the day without realising the influence of the church in their land, when it is the cornerstone of truth itself. And when their so-called foundations are shaken, their instincts are to look for solutions and not the truth.

2. The Church is the Solutions for our Problems

"...Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless." Ephesians 5:25

In our town, people will think that solutions for the ever-increasing cases of suicide, divorce and abuse cases point to more channels for educating the people and the urge for the government to execute more measures for her people. But such mantras are superficial and do not solve the crux of the problem. The church of Jesus Christ has been ordained to solve the problem of the hearts of the people, as people embrace and live by the truth.

3. The Church is for the Salvation for the Lost

"..on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it." Matthew 16:18

As children of Christ, we need to have a far higher view of what the church is about. That the church is meant to display His manifold wisdoms, it is a coummunity of sinners (imperfect people) gathered to work together in the respect of each one doing his role. The role of this one sinner -- the pastor, is to keep these sinners attentive to God.

Therefore, everyone can build the church by 4 ways:
1) coming
"some part of the church will be in darkness in your absence, as every individual brings in a lamp of light by coming to church"
2) giving
"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal.Butstore up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal." Matthew 16:19-20
3) serving
"From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work." Ephesians 4:16
4) evangelising
Go preach the good news and harvest for His name. In Paul's labour for the church, "Now I rejoice in what was suffered for you, and I fill up in my flesh what is still lacking in regard to Christ's afflictions, for the sake of his body, which is the church." Colossians 1: 24

Which area tugs at your heartstrings today? As God spoken into the depths of your inner being, and beckoning you into His inner sanctuary today? As I sit through the sermon today, I reflected that I have not been doing enough for this church I call my home. And I will...

Hasn't God taught us to give careful thoughts to our ways? Have you been too busy building your home and left the church in ruins before your eyes?Hasn't He said that He will be with you and do not fear? for fear is the most accursed of all base passions? (Read Haggai today for You are called to BUILD THE HOUSE OF THE LORD)

life like the jewel box

Love has a time when it begins
experience tells me
time also diminishes the passion of it
within the very flame of love
there lives a kind of wick or snuff
that extinguishes it
nothing stays always at the same level of goodness
it gathers like an inflammation
then dies of its own excess

a bottle of white wine
a club sandwich
chicken wings
snugged up the cushion seat
high up at Altivo
surveying the land of Singapore
a wet misty night
a wonderful somebody
praising the excellence of His name
no paintings of sorrow
an embrace of loving spirit
therein lies the cries of fate

Friday, November 17, 2006

Animation Nation 2006

Animation Nation 2006

Highly Recommended shows:

PAPRIKA : In the near future, a revolutionary psychotherapy called PT is invented. Acting as a 'dream detective', it enters people's dreams and explores their unconscious thoughts through a device called DC Mini. Directed by Koh Satoshi, the man behind the cult anime Perfect Blue. Nov 21, 7:15pm
Nov 22, 9:15pm
The Cathay Orchard Cineplex

RENAISSANCE: Paris in 2054 is an Orwellian nation, cut off from the rest of the world, where everyone is watched and monitored. Casting a shadow over the city is the large company known as Avalon, which primarily exports eternal youth abd beauty.
Nov 16, 9:15pm
Nov 20, 9:15pm
The Cathay Orchard Cineplex

Animation nation website:

If you go to this website:

This is what you will find:
"Animation Nation tickets now on sale. "Paprika" & "Renaissance" tickets have hit Internet sales quota, but good seats are still available from the box office at Orchard Cineleisure. A gentle reminder that SFS Complimentary Coupons are NOT eligible to exchange for tickets at this Festival."

For those who are free, please go to catch these animation films that have hit town!
I wish I can go! I wish I can get the tickets! All the best to you out there!

breeze the night out ..

thank God for tonight, in the midst of my entangling with vicarious emotions. i took a trip out to ice cold beer, a place i haven't enjoyed myself for some time due to the ever-increaing noise level. thank you somebody for taking the time to breeze me there, im happy enough for that quarter hour. thanks edwin for your generous company, for putting up with all my nonsense, my sudden calls to you once in a blue moon crying, i always have to shock you out of bed! ger got to do it all the time rite? thanks for the deep fried chicken wings, the chips, and the four-cheese pizza, it must be a feast we gluttons indulge in. you must be wondering when i have started to be such a good drinker. thanks for the 1 asahi, 1 boddington, and 1 hoegarden. so good to rake up the past and to know more about your present, esp when you have someone in your life now. our memories over the years are almost timeless isnt it? the times when i was upset over the stupid d nd, the times we rode out on your WR scrambler to west coast park to grab a banana, to bt timah, the times we sat in your fren's integra, the times we love kilkenny, the time we caught a movie at westmall ( still cannot recall which movie) i have enjoyed myself just being honest tonight. while we were wondering why we never make it together over the years, i guess in God's eyes, I choose to believe, we are really meant to be true good friends. at least, for me, i know you are one i can run to when i feel things start to crumble down. you are a true good friend who really loves me as a ger. thank you. may all God's blessings fall on you everyday. still thank you for listing me as one of your frens whom you miss in your blog. I want the best for you too. gambate edwin my dear dear friend.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

will i see you there?

this is a lousy week. things i have planned in my heart to do, i didnt get to do them. i want to eat at pasta mania, i want to drink a cuppa at coffee club, i want to rant, i do want to cry. staying home the entire day is a dull reclusive feeling especially when the jitters and anxieties of the pending exams keep boiling. and the life of a reader and a writer is solitary; really lonely. i am drained of talking to myself. i am entrenched in my nonsensical fixated thoughts. my writings become an expression of my vexation with my own frustrations. war declares itself in the hibernating mood of the super ego and id. i feel that one tip off the shore i will land in the myriad sea of craziness, my feet keep getting hooked onto shackles. jesus becomes my ever closest friend in this season. he is my big soulmate. in the void of day, i feel that the world has left me kind of far. my friendships become virtual, my love is gone, i am eager-eyed towards dusk. no, i'm breathing dust. is this all what exams is all about?

where is the fresh air?

Open my eyes that I may see wonderful things in your law. -- Psalm 119:18

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

the phantom of the soul

If we posit that the soul is immortal, it then means that it has a past, present, future and beyond-future. For now, we will be unable to visually the future and the beyond-future. That is a fact. If history is in present tense, then that is what others claim that your history makes up the present "you", so one of the clunkiest things that you cannot erase is your history. Even when it is buried, it doesn't cleanse you. And when your history hurts the “you” now, then the only recourse is not to be blissfully unaware, but to let go. How do you let go then? One analogy: as I pour hot water into a cup you are holding on to, till it overflows and scalds your hand, the natural response is that you will drop the cup. We will let go only when we experience pain. Fears come not only when hurt arrives, but fears arrive when there is a need to venture into the unknown. And when that happens, it simply means that because you have anticipated pain in that unknown, that makes you fearful. This then explains the lack of courage for what you have yet to know. This entire fantasy towards a reality can then be morbid and distorted, since there is no one way to clarify why. Not only does your history mould you to who you are today, it is also a baggage that you have to carry, for good or for bad. Sometimes, others’ history naturally tugs at your heartstrings no matter how you choose to live in self-denial. It is like someone’s history knocking on the doors of your soul, egging you on to a new level of belief. That becomes uncanny when you cannot trace the connection between that and yourself. It is inscrutably random and stifles all possible senses. Do we ever brush ourselves with the souls of others when we are breathing? Or do we already have a past that is intertwined long before we are born? When two souls become too intimate, ultimately, it makes you feel for the least, out-of-place in who you think you actually are. It can turn you irrational and blot out all logical reasoning with all might. That disparity that causes your false sensing towards your soul catalogues you into a deeper responsibility towards the subsistence of your soul. You become marginalised from your own being. If the soul really does have a past, can its relationship with its past be described in frilly remnants, since these will soon fade away in the memory bank of the mind? Or can its relationship with its future and beyond-future be explained in a solid bridge that has faith as its foundation? How true to say that we can be so preoccupied with living the present that we do not prepare for our future and the beyond-future? Are we all just empty vessels collecting new knowledge each day till they subside to nothingness when death arrives or when the journey to heaven begins? Or in another perspective, will then the phantom of the soul come to life when that time comes? Can that time ever be defined? This pall of gloom, like a knothole of a tree, compels our dour acceptance of our existence on earth. But is it ever enough?

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

jesus walked over open graves, I chose wine over water

Okay, it is oxymoronic to be a grumbling christian
you be the judge for now
i have been working hard for inefficient people
one thing to do when you are really busy with things you do not really enjoy
look like this (see above)
if you are thinking of buying a mascara
do not buy maybelline unstoppable
it is unstoppably bad (tried and tested)
if i can be doing otherwise
i will start to read "The Red Chamber" aka "Hong Lou Meng"
(that is a snowball's chance in hell, so maybe not)
sometimes you just get a little crappy
and i will remind you
to question my sanity
i dun need luck please
thanks for them anyway
grace is spelt
"G.R. A.C.E"
i met a little girl and boy one day
they were jogging
the little girl asked the little boy
"is your heart still beating?"

Monday, November 13, 2006

111106 candid shots

the LORD of all, or not at all

"One evening I invited Jesus Christ into my heart. What an entrance He made! It was not a spectacular, emotional thing, but very real. It was at the very center of my life. He came into the darkness of my heart and turned on the light. He built a fire in the cold hearth and banished the chill. He started music where there had been stillness, and He filled the emptiness with His own loving, wonderful fellowship. I have never regretted opening the door to Christ and I never will - not into eternity!"

a good read:

Sunday, November 12, 2006

111106 that is how far I can get to take this picture at York Hotel

111106 Alvin and I (like to credit Weiyang for this pic)

111106 Biyun and I with the wedding decor

111106 Patricia and I

111106b Helena,Shirley and I

111106 Huiping and I

111106 the receptionists from my cg : who says receptionists are all.... ?

111106 want a good decor for your wedding?

111106 amazing what flowers can do

111106 munch and shuyan's wedding ..the roman style decor =)

Friday, November 10, 2006

ONE painting i did in this semester in NIE 2006 -- FOUND SPACE

Thursday, November 09, 2006

in "tabula rasa" mode

today i learnt that the essence of the study of literature, is to find the "heart of darkness".
to find 'what can be', and not 'what is'.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

On My Own

On my own pretending he's beside me
all alone I walk with him till morning
without him I feel his arms around me
and when I lose my way I close my eyes
and he has found me

In the rain the pavement shines like silver
all the lights are misty in the river
in the darkness the trees are full of starlight
and all I see is him and me
forever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
that I'm talking to myself and not to him
and although I know that he is blind
still I say there's a way for us

I love him but when the night is over
he is gone the river's just a river
without him the world around me changes
the trees are bare and everywhere
the streets are full of strangers

I love him but every day I'm learning
all my life I've only been pretending
without me his world will go on turning
the world is full of happiness
that I have never known

I love him
I love him
I love him
but only on my own

From: Les Misérables

Saturday, November 04, 2006

stranded but found

taught the longest tuition today
was at the comp the longest writing my last essay
was at this book for the longest since yesterday
i must have worked hard today
i must be looking very alien and deranged in this place
mad woman
everyone must be wondering what i am doing
taking up four seats with one body
did not stop scribbling at her lappy for 3 hours
i am so hungry now
dawn is finally here

one quote :

"One who speaks sense to himself is far better than one who speaks nonsense to everyone"