weird encounters

at carrey's place with julie... pretty lazy today..just want to lay back and relax after so many happenings and decision making these days.. I need to face life with more stealth now as i see so many challenges presenting themselves, slapping tight at my little face. e-aud moaned its last cry today, how much my heart breaks. I need new avenues from today onwards. I need to resolve the conflicts I have. i need very much nothing else but courage. few more weeks to go before school reopens. wat, i just got my timetable, i have to attend school five times a week in the next semester. How can they not give me a day of studio practice like before? what injustice is biting in me! my heart aches, at the mere thought of what future lies. i am a scaredy cat all abruptly. I need to jump up high again. be the energy bubble that I am used to be. gosh, how fast time speeds, how quick time slips through my hands. i need to push myself harder.. or should I ? i feel like a little girl stashed in a corner sometimes. sigh. i too need to be supplied with all good, no vile. i too need to be loved, dont I? i must be insane to blabber all this. But well, blabbering needs no responsibility. let me not be an adult for a second. i want to be my mum's little girl once again, yes, with the pink dress and long braids.

a little bit more.....

the later half of the day was pretty fruitful once I dragged my feet out of the house...happened to meet Ben Phua at taka exhibition ' a new level of creativity', spent some time talking to him. was surprised that there was so much to chat about. i love this kind of uncalled spontaneity. I cannot believe I didnt even get near to smelling the artworks at the AEP exhibition though i have already quickened my footsteps there. My goodness, the masks of civility were all around. sad pretentiousness. Upon leaving, realised that i didnt know if sze chin was there until warren and marienne told me he was. so when Mr Chia dropped me a message in the night, i asked him to help me say hi to sze chin adding that it was a deep regret that I still didnt get to see his outlandish hairstyle. sigh, of all I am doing, am i missing out a lot of things? what barren existence am i living? and guess what? the next moment was a picture of sze chin in an mms sent to me! wat! so hilarious!!! i can hug my stomach and roll on the floor, doesnt he know the gravity of the act of perming his hair? :0)
despite all these petty activities, a part of me feels very lonely today. an silent, icy grip on the soul today i suppose.

out of it

spewed out of my intellectual stupor these days, no inspiration for any poems, weird but true. my writings become simply a reminder of my days, a note-taking of events, right, open diary, journal-writing. I still recall my big idea of writing a book of gibberish, what an imagination pepped out! Julie should be back today, eee, kind of excited all of a sudden. missed the times I often hang out at perumal. sometimes, I still think of her balcony that I so love. I miss this beautiful woman. Today is going to be another day of staying indoors. No, not alone in the house, mum is chatting away on the phone outside. My, the weather is sizzling hot today! In my puny mind, I have already planned to feast on my clay for the earlier part of today before I head down to finish some work at e-aud(far east) and teach in the evening. busy..busy..
It takes great comfort to know that yesterday's time with Tricia was a time spent in a spirit of love. Her opening of options to me made me ponder the entire of last night, I cannot even remember if I did sleep well at all. I am thankful for a friend like her. I pray for us to continue to walk, as supporting sisters, in this path of integrity from now on, and may we defend the liberty that God has given to us, and grow to have compassion for people who are despondent, in privation and enslavement. We will not espouse to anything else except for Him, remembering that His grace comes only to hands empty for grace.
Guide my day again, Lord. I will rejoice in today!
-i realise i have never expressed my gratitude to people who do take time to read my blog, this may sound idiotically lame, but whoever you are, thanks for the readership thus far. Appreciated.-

a little bit

Woke up this morning a bit ditzy, was having a fantasy of receiving an early telegram.
I looked around the house, no one is in.
If only I don't look at the world in a lomographical way, sometimes.
Finally updated my portfolio online, was a tedious wait for the pics to be uploaded, alone is gruesome enough.
Last night, I was falling asleep right infront of the computer screen, with the occasional flickers coming from it, I could remember. I need to buck up on my comp work today before I head for a swim and later in the night, meet missbramblerose(Tricia tan) at Bt Batok Westmall Coffee Bean. On second thoughts, it is thrilling to be in the house alone today.

sunday-rest day

I was so very worried a moment ago, my blog seems to be breaking down, every bit of it. I managed to salvage it to this extent, and yes, you can see the layout is completely changed. Don't ask me why, solution sometimes present itself only once, like any chance. So proud of myself that I bought the Hillsongs for brother today. Awesome disc I reckon! I have never bought a music disc before, it is really my first time. My fatigue made my heart teared today, I was practically battling within myself between personal interests and love for family, eventually the latter won. Today, I learnt about the power of surrender, and I am glad that I finally rested my anxious heart on God today, the solace I found was more than enough for me. And I am once again convicted that with surrender, the end to any trial is near. Nothing will snare my feet ever again. Wicked.

my monologue

Waking up to a wet morning again, and expecting a scorching hot day to follow, Natasha has become the weather. So very unpredictable these days. Stop it , natasha. Stop whining about life, won't you? Just grow up and grow out of it, won't you? You are not the queen of the world, mind you. You got to learn anyhow. Chew it, swallow it, and everything is gonna be alright. The world does not revolve around you.

Finally managed to call Joanna last night. All of a sudden, she was so near, so close again. She is more than just a phonecall away. It just brought me back to the times when she is so reachable, so tangible, and so mine, when I can cry to her when I am broken, pour out all that I am going through. My perfect listener, my perfect help, my perfect best friend.The emotions of missing her are flooding me more than before these days. I resolute to be more than a best friend to her from now on. Her life is such a comfort to me. It makes me more assured that of all these predicaments, there will be a sunny side up. No matter how the winds of life may change, I still will find the peace that is going to reign in my heart. I just need that very emancipation now, I reckon.

Of everything, I am more convinced each day why I am not opening doors. There is nothing to feel sorry about, nothing to lament, nor to be lambasted by. The innate reasons are clear. My past relationship is not over yet. It is still alive in the veins. I still dream of him, good or bad ones. So, having not passed this hurdle, how can I move on? Furthermore, I need to rest. I am too tried. Too choked by the fumes of THE romantic love. I am a dumbass at relationships, remember? For now, my naivety says I am rejoicing in where I am now. I am peeved by those people who are having these ill, disgusting intentions about me, stop trying to pretend to know me, to claim you love me, I am shutting doors, I did not make an abstinent convenant for nothing. And so it is, stop bugging me, please.

rattled a tad too much today...

troubling fears

to you,
i need to say
i am repulsed by your invasion of my grounds
the revelation you have given to me
you have stammered my footsteps
cringed my heartbeat
troubled my soul
broken my pride
i am betrayed by your honesty
offended by your taunting
manipulated by your thinking
hurt by your apologies
look,
how threatening your boldness has become
how abusive your words have turned
how selfish your being has lived
how provoking your construction is
wrench me no more
i am shivering in my core
i need my crucible of safety
i rather be alone
yes,
i rather be alone
at this juncture
i am crying
thanks

we made it

a spatula of us who were seemingly stuck to the grounds at Earl Lu last night for Lim Tzay Chuen's exhibition, made it to Lina's place eventually for the preplanned birthday celebration for both Serena and Marienne. Shifting paradigms. hmm. It was a great night together, and my, I was so alcohol-drugged that I belched nonsense through the night. Marienne and Warren have so much to say about this Natasha. I have enjoyed myself greatly, the madness of it all, despite the occasions smears of 'I am so tired'. The figments of my memory was Lee Wen, me and Yazay trying to dance boisterously with the not-so-moving music, Kai talking about my church, and I think I attempted singing...the birthday girls..how sweet it is to celebrate birthdays together, birthdays are meant to be this way, I reckon. The best of it all was after the rest's silent exit, Warren, Marienne, Lina and I chatted through the morning. Yummy it was! Eventually, Lina gave in to sleeping with her socks. And the three of us lingered on. Like a crash course of getting to know each other,we practically talked about anything under the mourning moon. Goodness, we just pulled down our defences and talked like never before, with probably an amplitude good enough to pierce the still silence of the night, with an energy of the juvenile mind. Constructive conversation. Cheers to our friendship. Toast to TAV. Kudos to world peace. The next thing we know is that we woke up to a wet morning with clouds spitting rain, to the next-door kids usual play sounds, to a brand new day ahead of us..

23/06/05 Marienne and Serena's brithday party!

tribute to Madam mousse

Madam mousse is a walking fetish.
battery on a sidestreet; the phone in someone's lawn
she did not want to familarise herself with Mr.
of what feels like a screw driving in the bone.
what it must feel like
All that taunting solitude,
Contented to be alone.
Contented? Alone?
I can't see how, madam mousse
is comfort in your gripping solitude?

then drawing knots to release her soul
she had been sucked through
centuries of tradition
had dreams of a nuclear family
candy house
of posterity, of thriving generations

what then is vanity of youth to you, madam mousse?
Capitulating to the earth,
Attesting to the riddles being solved;
A dying world's fears have been realized
no more of such phantasmagoria, alright?

Lost heart crying torrents
Crying tears for someone else's pain
Life inside her was choking her soul.

Madam mousse,
Are you Cinderella?
she dwindles her time at home alone
And no one ever calls.

Her life is sweet a fairy tale
That never gets any ending
She wears her ball gowns and paints her face.
But is now tattered, in remnants.

A girl in lace and frills
Keeps on waiting.
Like an angel fades away,
A wish too soon forgotten.

No pangs of love,
Time frozen in the mind.
Waiting for that dole of love,
The truth hiding in a million lies.

Madam mousse says, “life is warped”.
What will break that monotony
to assauge her uncertainties?

--all rights reserved--

22/06/05 first birth of the many

I used to think that keeping the studio clean is good, it is wise to clean up after work. But anyhow, I am sleeping with my clay tonight. too much fatigue piling up. I am sleeping with my clay tonight, clay will be good soil ground for the heart tonight.

too much

why am I still working at this time? I must be insane. what is that fiery boiling within me? why am I chasing after Time when I never knew who He is? what is beyond all this? what is more for tomorrow? my mind is racing, and romping. too restless, too much. must it always be the gratification of the soul everyday? what if it is not? what if it has not? make me a harbinger of liberation, the epitome of breakthroughs now. I am no oddball, no misfit, lead in me a life of no logjams too.

preparation for a conversation

Returning from Seremban, I knew this provoking desire within me is to write about it. But not so much as an act of accountability to people in church, but more so for myself. I am not so altruistic after all. Finally, I have this opportunity to simply, work out the components of thoughts in this mind for the past few days. I do not type fast and every update in my blog is a laborious work for me. If you ask me, did I experience a glimpse of heaven? Did I depart with a fragment of heaven from there? I would say yes wholeheartedly if you are looking for that kind of politically correct answer. But I am not going to be a pleaser; I would say a partial yes, perhaps even, an unconfident one.
God works in ways we cannot see, and neither can we fully understand the ways He works. But as an engineer of happenings, every experience in my life is a new knowledge but without clear definitions most of the time. Life is not only of ups and downs, but is also a blip in the greater scheme of things. Why do I spend so much time contemplating my present, even though I know it just brings me even more lost in the deep well of thoughts, even more desperate for an answer? It is continually a barrage of attempts to drown one. But God made it so. It is one of the unfolded gifts from heaven God has deposited in me. At times, it is easier and convenient to explain everything by rationalizing all things come from a main source.
I am not so different though I am set apart. But definitely not a religious bigot. I am equally a product from the domestic mainstream education, a sucker for a steel rice-bowl, a fallible character in this script of life, and one with many liabilities. Pastor Ken was right; we are all doing our job as sinners. But this is not what I want. Not what God wants either. I have to admit I have a restless yearning for the perfect and I know this can only be found and secured in the further step of this life, which is the ascend to heaven. Nothing else. This life is wrong, because it started wrong. We still are bound to the temptations of the devil, still vulnerable to the incessant attacks, still far too easy preys to the Predator. No amount of intellect can defend or deny that. Only God’s sacrifice of Jesus could redeem us from it all. Period. There is no room for debates here. I have heard the story of Abraham’s sacrifice of Isaac, too many a time. Each time, it just keeps getting clearer, illuminating in me more than information, but wisdom, insight, understanding, familiarity. Is all this comprehension manifesting to become reality? Yes.
I am unable to affirm much of anything now, but through continuous seeking of the Lord this lifetime, it will reach a destination. Just keep answering the same old question, “What is your purpose and destiny?” and I will get there. Assuredly more than a hyphen in your existence time scale (1982- ), look at the cosmic time scale of eternity from now.
We should all cease being wired up to realize the facade of the Christian life, this is cheapening the real intended life. God looks at the heart, as a judge to your deeds and what is hidden. Pastor Ken says above all things; it is the love of God that God wants from you. Let us endeavor to build up that inner man in us that is all from and for God, shall we? And always ask from God with high expectancy. Then you will reap something, small or big, little or many.
The full measure of His grace is waiting for me. How ironic but true, to lose yourself in order to be found. And God is dealing with me, in and out, as I slowly consecrate this life to him. Although I am frazzled now, I still hope to be open to more explanation and introspection. After all, I am thankful for all the acceptance and forgiveness from the people around, most importantly, the understanding that I am a transitory character. That I am simply Natasha. Out of this quiet desperation, I gain a crescendo of faith.

15/06/05 wacky lunch before we check in (Seremban-church camp 2005)

15/06/05 before we multiply... beloved cell group

conditioning

As I grab every thought into captivity to my obedience to Him,
I am aware I am not living a bandbox life.
As I hunger for an unsullied inner abiding to His dispensations,
these doubts and questionings become impertinence.
Determine your law into my life,
construct me with patience today,
won't you?

drop of a water contains the whole of a sun

I cannot consecrate what that does not belong to me.
I only have the right of myself to consecrate.
Remembering that He has never minded my natural affinities and temperaments.
And that I have a moral originality which springs from my abandonment to Him.

the Spirit of God is a well of water springing up, perennially fresh.
eventually, He will make a holy experiment out of me.

18/05/05 "Stopover"-victimised by dreams

19/03/05 "Live Art" @ studio 19-collecting sounds

----------------speechless------------------

it's more than painful to lose that ability to speak,

trust me.

All of a sudden, I feel very sorry for myself.

(I need that vibrant hope again,

especially at this time when I feel so discouraged and beaten down.)

sketch.sketch.scratch.

when the children's surprises are adults' nightmares

a new found love
the desire to tie the knots
steps down the aisle
sweet ring exchange
gathering of all friends and relatives
that ten-course dinner
the deciding of a new house
that very location
ushering the Lunar New Year
-----------------red packets
knowledge of a pregnancy
education for the next generation
hunger for a dinner in the schoolbus
arrival of a younger sister
the thumbs-up of shifting houses
childrens' graduation
finally the grandparents' 60th birthday bash

to those adults who sometimes view these issues with disdain and revulsion, you have just brutally smashed a little child's fragile hope.

me and my forever pink wardrobe since...

my 2-year old Kentucky Fried Chicken birthday bash 

put me on your vehicle of dreams

I am exasperated, super exasperated....
Please bless me as you fashion me.

Love,
Nat

how peaceful a baby sleeps

a need to be more disciplined

After returning from Indonesia, I just felt too tired for anything substantial, and I don't like this feeling of idling. If anyone reads this, please pray for some discipline before I zoom to Serimbun again. I really have quite a few important things to do but just simply cant get started, must be the fever of passion from the trip still burning. I am missing Julie, cant hang out at her place anymore.. got to wait till 28th when she returns.. boohoo..

05/06/05 when it is hard to say goodbye...

05/06/05 our reunion with the tangarang team..

05/06/05 me and my beloved sister Bertha

05/06/05 Sunday School Crusade- the children are exhilarated

reflections-indonesia mission trip

LIGHT of God filtering through this religious warring.
Behold, with tears mine eyes are wet!
A nameless sadness over me roll,
As steps further that Indonesian land.
But there's a something in this breast,
To which words bring no rest.
Give me hush awhile,
And turn those limpid eyes on mine,
And let me read there! thy inmost soul.
Is even love too weak
To unlock the heart, and let it speak?
The same heart beats in every human breast!
But we my love!
Our hearts, our voices? -- must we too be dumb?

He, who foresaw
How resistant a burnt man would be --
By what distractions he would be possessed,
How he would pour himself in every strife,
And prayers He owned change his own identity --
That it might keep him from his capricious play

He, who knew from afar
How in blind uncertainty a deaf-mute would be—
By what measures He would for her,
How she would claim ‘Amen’ in truth,
And healing He bestowed change her own identity—
All boding through deep recesses of our breasts eternally.

LIGHT of God filtering through this religious warring.
To the clustered houses,
Older than many a generation of men.
Made of only a few, crumbled
Courses of brick, smothered in nettle and dock.
How courageous they are
Of the sun scorches
Of the wind invasions
Simply secured in His undying faith.

Rain ended, and light
Lifting the leaden skies.
Shone upon ceiling and floor
And dazzled a child's eyes.
A captive nonetheless,
Apart from his schoolfellows.

Whence it brews a wish without reason,
His light shone through my heart,
I choose this moment and keep it,
I said for a vow,
To remember for ever and ever
As if it were always now.


LIGHT of God filtering through this religious warring.
Often,
There boils an unspeakable desire
After the knowledge of our ended life;
A thirst to spend our fire and restless force
In tracking out our true, original course;
A longing to inquire
Into the mystery of His heart which beats.
And many a man in his own breast then delves.

His little child I am,
When childhood a state of danger is,
challenged to grow into a compassionate being,
rules to be learnt from every new encounter,
develop eventually a sense of herself.
Honor to Carroll’s Alice I had been.

LIGHT of God filtering through this religious warring.
Our fondness for
His course of depth and sophistication,
May never be expressed.
And long we try in vain to speak and act
Our hidden self.

Of the thousand nothings of the hour
Their stupefying power;
Oh they benumb us at our call!
Yet still, occasionally, vague and forlorn,
As from an infinitely distant land,
Come air floating echoes, and convey
A melancholy into all our day.

03/06/05 glimpses of worship at Bekasi church

02/06/05 Hotspring girls

01/06/05 the kids and me.. they are so sweet 

01/06/05 we on the ang kot-public transport, 1000 rupiah per head 

30/05/06 wat a spread for lunch-sudanese

29/05/06 the YA in my cell group on this mission trip

31/05/05 ice cream man in Indonesia-Bogor

31/05/05 Light of God filtering through the religious warring