Saturday, July 28, 2007

a try at being aggressive

Confessions of a schizo red bean bun:

Abrasion point 1: How come you are still studying? You have been studying all this time..

Abrasion point 2: When are you getting married? Started planning?

I feel like a total scrub. Wait. I have been Waiting. Wait may be God’s greatest gift but it is also a throbbing and not so painless one. All these years, I have Waited, waited to figure out what I actually want in life, waited to hone my skills as an artist or at least some art personnel, and complete my studies so that I can get a Grand pay every month. I have Waited, by wishfully thinking I have met the one, by offering to go through thick and thin with them, by giving of myself only to get stabbed right through the heart, by falling in and out of love, until Somebody surprisingly came. I growl at my abrasions points which irk me completely because I do not know what I have actually made out of this period of Waiting. Fruits? It has been fruitless at least, for the past few months. I have worked, prayed, engaged, sacrificed my time, efforts, sweat and tears, but hearts are not turned around, and lives are not at all changed. I feel like a loser spot-on at the finishing line. Am I always trying to light a fire with two pieces of wet stones? 2 years of extra-study is not just some overtime work, neither is it an extended holiday. It is a stoppage to my life. When I thought that I could start off marriage before starting work, now I have the possibility tackle with them both, at the same time. Are my ideals too unrealistic? Can I actually be a happy bride? Is these 2 years also warring against my soul to stop my seeking for perfection? Do I really have to Wait? Will Wait give me more than I can ever imagine? Knock off the clock before my heart sleeps tonight. Shut me up won’t you?

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