Feeling somewhat misplaced waking up to a morning not at kranji but home.
Last night, I re-learnt to park the car. I have not been on the road for some time. And a large part of it is that fear that the car will CRASH once again. Each time I tell myself to drive again, I just conveniently dismiss it with reasons like “I’m tired”, and “I’m lazy”. But I know I feel great to be on wheels again, at least I know I used to feel THAT great while driving. I feel proud each time I can park the car really straight. I feel great each time I can do what I think I can do. I am too, comforted that the car is not CRASHED. And what more, it is somebody’s car and not mine.
Slowly, I am learning to take disappointments. Disappointments when Man fails you and decides to fail you. Disappointments when people are not what the world calls, “A friend in need is a friend indeed.” I am learning acceptance. Acceptance that life offers big and small surprises, and surprises that do not surprise me most of the time. Also, I am learning more about the change in myself. Yes, I have grown less excited. Less excited about the things around. It is like the world has been turning, but I have not been turning along with it. It is about the age and experiences in my life that I have CHANGED. And I know there is more right ahead.
I am still on a runaway. I have decided to run away, and not just a getaway to Jakarta. I have long been disconnected with my passion for art. I want quite badly, to be with it again. Even for 10 days. That is good enough for a bit of tension-release, for a bit of heck-care-the-world-out- there. Not that it gives me purpose and reason to live, but it gives me a little happiness that I need. What is being presented before me is a tapestry of hard labour and diligence. And right now, I am not sure. Really not sure, not sure about possibilities. Will I have the same presence like before? Or perhaps I am just resting on some former glory?
Some people ask me about my wedding preparations. I always say ok. Indeed it is. I know that it is true that nothing has been too big a hassle. But one thing, it has turned a little draggy to bear. Growing up in an instant culture, I want things to be snappy. The get-it-over-and-done-with attitude is what I have been carrying with me. It somehow reflects my real feelings towards all things right? I mean, I really love somebody and cannot wait to be with him in this marriage. Between us, there is ‘No Real Issue’. The procedures of it all, not doubt, have brought us closer , but have also made me on a pedestal of waiting and pondering. And it is not all that meaningful sometimes. Maybe God knows that the time is just not right for me to get started, on anything. That is why He has put me on this waiting list for the greater things yet to come. In the most simplistic manner, I suppose this is the best reason for everything now.
I am sooo glad God gave me the will to continue living. Oh yes, the free will in the matrix of fixed laws.