Wednesday, July 23, 2008

a modicum of privacy

I am choosing 'crossroad' to describe my various transits. I feel that I am on multiple crossroads all at once. And this strange feeling of “Where am I?” assail me daily. I wake up in the mornings asking myself, “Is this what I really want?”, or ‘Is this what God wants for me?” I suppose these are questions that could only be dismissed silently? And with each ponder, the day begins, the day ends. For now, I am about to put a period to my stay in Kranji. Just today, I stood in the midst of the students in the frenetic rush for food in the canteen. Staring at the beelines, I felt myself withering away. I had thought I could make good my stay here. But I am not too sure. Have I taught them well or rudely dragged them into some confusion which I am not aware of? Will they be alright? Have I made a difference or was I just a fleeting shadow in Kranji grounds? A mist that vanishes? If I am not stopping here to reflect, the next transit is already queuing in line.

Like most people, I like to have a good record of what I do in this temporary existence on earth. Despite the unpredictable moments of frustration and cruel blows to my esteem, I sure hope that beautiful memories will be inscribed in my memory for this short stay. I want to leave this place with fears washed away and the spirit clean. I would like to pat my own shoulder and say to myself that I have indeed grown stronger and more resilient.

Somehow, I hanker after a great pleasure soon.

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