Monday, June 20, 2005

preparation for a conversation

Returning from Seremban, I knew this provoking desire within me is to write about it. But not so much as an act of accountability to people in church, but more so for myself. I am not so altruistic after all. Finally, I have this opportunity to simply, work out the components of thoughts in this mind for the past few days. I do not type fast and every update in my blog is a laborious work for me. If you ask me, did I experience a glimpse of heaven? Did I depart with a fragment of heaven from there? I would say yes wholeheartedly if you are looking for that kind of politically correct answer. But I am not going to be a pleaser; I would say a partial yes, perhaps even, an unconfident one.
God works in ways we cannot see, and neither can we fully understand the ways He works. But as an engineer of happenings, every experience in my life is a new knowledge but without clear definitions most of the time. Life is not only of ups and downs, but is also a blip in the greater scheme of things. Why do I spend so much time contemplating my present, even though I know it just brings me even more lost in the deep well of thoughts, even more desperate for an answer? It is continually a barrage of attempts to drown one. But God made it so. It is one of the unfolded gifts from heaven God has deposited in me. At times, it is easier and convenient to explain everything by rationalizing all things come from a main source.
I am not so different though I am set apart. But definitely not a religious bigot. I am equally a product from the domestic mainstream education, a sucker for a steel rice-bowl, a fallible character in this script of life, and one with many liabilities. Pastor Ken was right; we are all doing our job as sinners. But this is not what I want. Not what God wants either. I have to admit I have a restless yearning for the perfect and I know this can only be found and secured in the further step of this life, which is the ascend to heaven. Nothing else. This life is wrong, because it started wrong. We still are bound to the temptations of the devil, still vulnerable to the incessant attacks, still far too easy preys to the Predator. No amount of intellect can defend or deny that. Only God’s sacrifice of Jesus could redeem us from it all. Period. There is no room for debates here. I have heard the story of Abraham’s sacrifice of Isaac, too many a time. Each time, it just keeps getting clearer, illuminating in me more than information, but wisdom, insight, understanding, familiarity. Is all this comprehension manifesting to become reality? Yes.
I am unable to affirm much of anything now, but through continuous seeking of the Lord this lifetime, it will reach a destination. Just keep answering the same old question, “What is your purpose and destiny?” and I will get there. Assuredly more than a hyphen in your existence time scale (1982- ), look at the cosmic time scale of eternity from now.
We should all cease being wired up to realize the facade of the Christian life, this is cheapening the real intended life. God looks at the heart, as a judge to your deeds and what is hidden. Pastor Ken says above all things; it is the love of God that God wants from you. Let us endeavor to build up that inner man in us that is all from and for God, shall we? And always ask from God with high expectancy. Then you will reap something, small or big, little or many.
The full measure of His grace is waiting for me. How ironic but true, to lose yourself in order to be found. And God is dealing with me, in and out, as I slowly consecrate this life to him. Although I am frazzled now, I still hope to be open to more explanation and introspection. After all, I am thankful for all the acceptance and forgiveness from the people around, most importantly, the understanding that I am a transitory character. That I am simply Natasha. Out of this quiet desperation, I gain a crescendo of faith.

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